A couple weeks ago, I went kite flying at ocean beach with my husband, our roommate, my sister-in-law, and my brother-in-law. It was my first time at the beach since before Louie and I had our church wedding last September. My first time at the beach since knowing my son. It was weird being back there. Not really bad. Just different. Louie bought a piranha stunt kite because he thought Calvin would like it.
While we were there, I decided to write my son’s name in the sand, and with each letter I was overcome…
…with sadness, with love, with happiness, with longing – with every feeling that comes with having a child, with every feeling that comes with losing that child. I felt my heart swell. I loved seeing his name written in such a way – to see him name mark the shoreline in big letters that were crafted by my hands. I felt like a mother.
When I finished, the sun was already beginning to set and the tide was inching ever closer to my baby boy’s name. So I ran up the beach to where my sister-in-law sat taking pictures of everyone else wrestling with our kites in the wind and asked her to take pictures of Calvin’s name. Thank you so much, Claire, for taking these photographs.
The past few days have been difficult. I have been missing Calvin Phoenix so very much, and today my heart was lifted as I processed the pictures of his name and put them together for him, and for myself and his daddy.
As you look at these, please say his name aloud; please say Calvin Phoenix, and think on him for just for a minute.