Thursday, June 27, 2019
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > Looking back, so I can face forward

Looking back, so I can face forward

I’ve been meaning to share my plans/hopes/desires for 2011, because that’s what you do at the beginning of the year, right? I don’t it’s really so much that the advancing of a year holds special power in and of itself. I think it’s because it’s a visible marker to which we can attach change (and there’s nothing wrong with that).

But before I go ahead and put it all out there (aka creating-a-public-way-to-hold-myself-accountable), I thought I would do a recap of the last 12 months.

  • January: I’m still reeling from losing Rainbow just a few weeks after she captured my heart with that positive pregnancy test, and true to form, I think grief-brain has muddled my memory of what else happened this month.
  • February: I turn 28 and start Calvin’s Cupcakes.
  • March: We celebrate Calvin’s 1st birthday (I still haven’t shared much of it; one day, when I’m ready, I will). I join the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study with Sufficient Grace Ministry and Legaci got picked up by Justin Bieber. Lots of pregnancy announcements come, including Rainbow babies and one of my sisters – and these continue, along with births, throughout the year.
  • April: After struggles with sorting things out with insurance, I finally see an RE. She makes me feel a little more confident about bringing home a living baby.
  • May: I start a new job at BabyCenter. Another one of my sisters gives birth to Kimora, at 33 weeks. I have my second mother’s day, this time missing two babies.
  • June: Louie graduates from AiCaSF and has his second Father’s Day; this year he gets cards from our families, which means so much.
  • July: Louie turns 28. I get repeated-strain injuries at work, which leads to me making a sling from an old shirt, and the workers’ compensation madness begins.
  • August: Rainbow’s due date (August 3) and the 1st anniversary of Calvin’s due date (August 4). Some of the content at work becomes tougher to deal with, and I get mini-panic attacks. My sister-in-law tells us she’s pregnant. My sister (who announced her pregnancy in March) has her 3rd baby. I’m in physical therapy for my RSI.
  • September: Work is still difficult, and I start looking for other opportunities. We have our 2nd wedding anniversary. It’s also the 2nd anniversary of Louie’s grandfather’s passing (a couple weeks before our wedding). I start losing hope about being able to conceive again.
  • October: I work on content for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day on the BabyCenter site and get interviewed for one of the articles. It’s the 1 year anniversary of Louie’s grandmother’s passing. Working on the content is still difficult, so I talk to my boss about possibly switching departments. I start acupuncture for my RSI. Work has its annual Halloween party, which includes trick-or-treaters, and it’s my first public gathering of kids since losing Rainbow – I’m actually okay. By the end of the month, things start to feel better at work, and I stop looking for other jobs.
  • November: It’s the 7 year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing. I try not to think about being seasonally fertile, even though both times I got pregnant was in November. The week before Thanksgiving, I find out that my contract is up at the end of the year (my actual contract is ambiguous about the date, so it was a surprise), and I start scrambling to find a job for the new year. After a longer-than-usual-LP, my period comes during Thanksgiving week.
  • December: Rainbow’s 1st angelvesary, and we are surrounded by love in our online communities. I start spotting/light bleeding, and it lasts through the end of the month – instead of getting my regular period, I start to wonder if I had an early loss. I have two job interviews during Christmas week, and am blessed to receive an offer from the company I really wanted to join. Right before New Years, I see a doctor who tells me I’ve waited long enough to see a specialist.
crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “Looking back, so I can face forward

  1. I pray 2011 holds great things for you and Louie! I really hope the RE helps you bring home a little one. Thank you for all you do for the BL community through Calvin’s Cupcakes and your other projects. xoxo

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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