Friday, June 5, 2020
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the absence of pain

Pregnant Crystal at Claire's Birthday Party

While I was pregnant with Calvin, I had this sharp pain in my lower back; it was mostly on the right side, but sometimes it would move to the left. It started early in my pregnancy. I would feel it most when I had to get up from laying down or sitting for extended periods of time, after walking up and down steps, and sometimes just when I was tired. My chiropractor, Dr. Kim, told me that the pain was caused by loosening joints and ligaments (which also causes the waddling). I used to complain about it and about all of the other symptoms of pregnancy about which no one ever told me.

After I delivered my baby, I noticed two things: the emptiness of my belly and the absence of that back pain… And I wanted them back so badly.

That’s why, when I found this photo of me on my mother-in-law’s camera this past weekend, I had to copy it onto my computer. It reminds of me of that back pain, of the physical discomfort that caused me to move and lean so awkwardly — It was present for almost the entire duration of my pregnancy with Calvin. And the angle at which this photograph was taken – which most would consider unflattering – captures the roundness of my belly and the life that was inside. I love this picture of me and my baby.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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