Monday, September 23, 2019
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > The 5th Belongs to Calvin: You made me a mother

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: You made me a mother

Dear Calvin,

I am the furthest I have ever been in pregnancy, carrying your baby brother or sister. Today, I am 18 weeks and 3 days. I delivered you at 18 weeks and 1 day. Although you did not come out of my womb alive, although you were born two weeks shy of the commonly accepted definition of stillbirth, you were born, silent and loved and wanted. Out of my womb, I delivered you on a Thursday morning, with your daddy by my side and tears spilling from both of our eyes.

We are so grateful to have Bumble Bee growing inside me, but this new baby does not replace you, does not replace Rainbow, does not replace Gaelen. Each pregnancy is it’s own blessing, the creation of a new, separate, and individual soul for us to love and cherish. As I learned of each new life, my heart grew and created a unique space for my next child. And when we lost you and Rainbow and Gaelen, these spaces—your spaces—in my heart remained; they will only be filled when we are all together again.

We pray and hope that baby number four will be born alive and well. We look forward, with cautious optimism, to bringing Bumble Bee home and parenting him or her the way were unable to parent you and your sisters. I know people will look at us and assume Bumble is our first child, our only child, even those who know that I was pregnant three times before. This doesn’t change the fact that it was you, Calvin, who first made me a mother. I will always be grateful for that.

Happy 33 months in heaven, my precious son. I love you so much. I miss you.

Love and kisses to you and your sissies,
Mommy

crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “The 5th Belongs to Calvin: You made me a mother

  1. My Aunt told me the other day that she can see that look in my eye when strangers ask if Regan is my first child. Most days, I let it slide, and let people assume Regan is my first, simply because it is easier. But it was my Angel who made me a mother. And as time has passed, I realize that terrible things happen with a purpose. I wouldn’t have Regan if I had my Angel, and I can’t imagine my life without her. To the point where it makes my heart hurt to even think about it.

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers and they will continue until Charlie is home with you. He is one lucky baby boy to have such wonderful parents who love him so much already!

  2. My Aunt told me the other day that she can see that look in my eye when strangers ask if Regan is my first child. Most days, I let it slide, and let people assume Regan is my first, simply because it is easier. But it was my Angel who made me a mother. And as time has passed, I realize that terrible things happen with a purpose. I wouldn’t have Regan if I had my Angel, and I can’t imagine my life without her. To the point where it makes my heart hurt to even think about it.

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers and they will continue until Charlie is home with you. He is one lucky baby boy to have such wonderful parents who love him so much already!

  3. You have been on my mind, though i have just now checked to see how things are going. I am SOOO relieved that pregnancy is going well!! 🙂 Will continue to pray for healthy pregnancy and a precious, healthy bundle in your arms in a few months. I know your heart will break when people ask that question, “is this your first baby”. . . I pray for your comfort when it happens. <3

  4. I know people will not know your angels in heaven. I felt the same way and it hurts to not be able to share with everyone of Joey and Juno. We see how much you love Calvin and you always will.

  5. I can’t believe before we know it, it will be March 5th again! Calvin, you are Kihana’s March Birthday buddy 🙂 Happy 33 months!

    Hope you are doing better Ate. Take care of yourself & BB!

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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