dandiewinks

Category Archives: Gaelen Evangeline

“Because Grief is As Real as Love”

The title of this piece is from the In Mourning Band™ Campaign. Louie and I wear these bands for our babies. Because grief is as real as love, I mourn. I mourn my babies by saying the same things over and over, by finding different ways to say these things…

Q is for Questions (and no good answers)

I have been struggling to write this post for a while now. I’ve been writing it over and over in my notebook, then drawing big X’s over the words, because I just couldn’t get it to feel right. There was no doubt that Q would stand for Questions, but I…

Happy Birthday, Mama

On Saturday, Louie and I went to visit my grandmother at the cemetery. It was her birthday. We brought Calvin. I thought about her rocking him in her arms and singing to him. I emptied and rinsed her vases and used a dishwashing brush and Clorox wipes to clean her…

What Makes You Grateful?

Especially in the early days of grieving, it’s difficult to find things for which to be grateful. That’s why any statement that begins with At least… can induce fits of rage, tears, and cursing (and sometimes all of the above). In my experience, it’s much better to allow us to…

P is for Powerless (A difficult truth)

I’m trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that’s why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that there was nothing I could do—and that means acknowledging…

Happy Fathers Day, Louie

And Happy Fathers Day to all the other daddies out there, too: to daddies with children in their arms, to daddies with children in their hearts, and to daddies who are deeply missed.

The 5th Belongs to Calvin – Right Where I Am: 822 Days

822 days = 19,728 hours = 27 months = 1,183,680 minutes = 2.25 years = 71,020,800 seconds. That’s how long I’ve been without my son. That’s how long it’s been since I delivered Calvin into this world with his eyes shut and a still heart. Since I held him in…

N is for their Names (One way of knowing)

A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it’s a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and letters. And so it is with our children, even the ones who have…