dandiewinks

Category Archives: Gaelen Evangeline

M is for Mother (Do I count?)

One of my husband’s aunts came to visit us in the hospital after Calvin was born. I was in pain still, and I had difficulty getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. She made a comment to my mother-in-law (in Tagalog) as I pushed my IV pole…

L is for Longing (The permanent ache)

Time has not healed me. Time will not heal me. Yes, I believe I am healing, but there is a difference between healing and healed. The first is a process; the second is an end that I will not reach until I am with my babies again, an end that…

Happy Easter Calvin Phoenix, Rainbow Baby, and Gaelen Evangeline

It’s still hard to believe that I haven’t been able to celebrate Easter on earth with any of my children. We lost both Calvin and Gaelen during Lent and Rainbow just before Christmas. It’s Calvin’s 3rd Easter, Rainbow’s 2nd, and Gaelen’s 1st. My mother-in-law put these Easter goodies together for…

J is for Jolt (What it feels like to know it’s over)

The natural progression of matter is from order into chaos. Aromas born of a carefully crafted medley of herb, spice, and sustenance, for example, only reach our nostrils through the random dispersion of molecules into the air. Carefully architectured buildings crumble and fall as they are beaten to ruins by…

I is for Ignorance (Uncovering my ignorance through grief)

In the baby loss community, we point out the ignorance of those who don’t understand what we’re going through, who expect us to just pick up and dust off and move forward, who don’t stop and really try to imagine what it would be like to walk in our shoes….

H is for Hiding (My need to cocoon)

Since losing Calvin, I’ve found myself becoming more reclusive that I already was before my world cracked open. I’m very much an introvert; I need to be away from people to regain my center, but over the past two years, my venturings off into the world outside my home (even…

G is for Goodness (Finding grace in this grief)

There’s something oddly right about knowing that my blood, my wound formed this heart. Losing a child is not a good thing. It is not a blessing. It is not something any baby-loss parent I know would ever wish on another person. However, goodness can and does come from it….

E is for Envy (Happy for you and sad for me)

In my last A to Z post, I did f instead of e, because, well, f was more appropriate considering how I was feeling. Now, I’m picking up what I skipped by talking about something that seems to be very common, but often misunderstood. Grief + Envy = Anger. After…