dandiewinks

Category Archives: Grief & Loss

My Failings as a Mother

I should not have exerted myself so much in the beginning of my pregnancy because I was spotting and cramping for almost two months of my pregnancy, and it increased when I was on my feet and walking for extended periods of time I should have eaten healthier and taken…

Easter Without Calvin

While I was pregnant with Calvin, I looked forward to all of the holidays I would get to spend with him in my belly – his first of almost every major holiday with me and Louie. I found out I was pregnant on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and I was…

the absence of pain

While I was pregnant with Calvin, I had this sharp pain in my lower back; it was mostly on the right side, but sometimes it would move to the left. It started early in my pregnancy. I would feel it most when I had to get up from laying down…

A Place for Calvin’s Ashes

On March 31, 2009, Posted by , In Calvin Phoenix,Louie,Miscarriage, By , , With No Comments

The hardest part about looking for an urn for my baby was having to acknowledge my baby’s death. Each picture I looked at, every description of dimension and size – it was like being told over and over again the baby has passed away. Louie’s words, We’re doing this for…

Did my body already know?

I was randomly opening up an old journal and found this in an entry dated October 30, 2001: (Oh yeah, more of Dream 2): was pregnant but it was weird. it’s like a bubble. belly button is popping out. Go to the doctor’s. I’m fine. tell Louie we’re going to…

Signs of My Baby

It wasn’t until I was on my way to work that I remembered dreaming about Calvin. It was almost like the day in the hospital, when they brought him into the room so we could hold him. Except he was much bigger. He had hair. His skin was no longer…