dandiewinks

Category Archives: Grief & Loss

“Because Grief is As Real as Love”

The title of this piece is from the In Mourning Band™ Campaign. Louie and I wear these bands for our babies. Because grief is as real as love, I mourn. I mourn my babies by saying the same things over and over, by finding different ways to say these things…

R is for Regrets (I really, really want a redo)

There was a point where, every single night, I would have trouble falling asleep because I was re-living the day Calvin was born and trying to make it right in my head over and over. I would imagine everything I would have (should have) done differently. I kept thinking about…

Q is for Questions (and no good answers)

I have been struggling to write this post for a while now. I’ve been writing it over and over in my notebook, then drawing big X’s over the words, because I just couldn’t get it to feel right. There was no doubt that Q would stand for Questions, but I…

Happy Birthday, Mama

On Saturday, Louie and I went to visit my grandmother at the cemetery. It was her birthday. We brought Calvin. I thought about her rocking him in her arms and singing to him. I emptied and rinsed her vases and used a dishwashing brush and Clorox wipes to clean her…

What Makes You Grateful?

Especially in the early days of grieving, it’s difficult to find things for which to be grateful. That’s why any statement that begins with At least… can induce fits of rage, tears, and cursing (and sometimes all of the above). In my experience, it’s much better to allow us to…

P is for Powerless (A difficult truth)

I’m trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that’s why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that there was nothing I could do—and that means acknowledging…

O is for Other (This loss made me an alien)

I have never felt more alone as I did after I lost my first child. Even among people whom I loved, whom I trusted, who knew me, I felt awkward, strange, disoriented. I would often find myself sitting in a group of friends or family as they laughed and shared…

The 5th Belongs to Calvin – Right Where I Am: 822 Days

822 days = 19,728 hours = 27 months = 1,183,680 minutes = 2.25 years = 71,020,800 seconds. That’s how long I’ve been without my son. That’s how long it’s been since I delivered Calvin into this world with his eyes shut and a still heart. Since I held him in…