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Category Archives: Rainbow Baby

What Makes You Grateful?

Especially in the early days of grieving, it’s difficult to find things for which to be grateful. That’s why any statement that begins with At least… can induce fits of rage, tears, and cursing (and sometimes all of the above). In my experience, it’s much better to allow us to…

P is for Powerless (A difficult truth)

I’m trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that’s why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that there was nothing I could do—and that means acknowledging…

Happy Fathers Day, Louie

And Happy Fathers Day to all the other daddies out there, too: to daddies with children in their arms, to daddies with children in their hearts, and to daddies who are deeply missed.

N is for their Names (One way of knowing)

A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it’s a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and letters. And so it is with our children, even the ones who have…

Happy Easter Calvin Phoenix, Rainbow Baby, and Gaelen Evangeline

It’s still hard to believe that I haven’t been able to celebrate Easter on earth with any of my children. We lost both Calvin and Gaelen during Lent and Rainbow just before Christmas. It’s Calvin’s 3rd Easter, Rainbow’s 2nd, and Gaelen’s 1st. My mother-in-law put these Easter goodies together for…

G is for Goodness (Finding grace in this grief)

There’s something oddly right about knowing that my blood, my wound formed this heart. Losing a child is not a good thing. It is not a blessing. It is not something any baby-loss parent I know would ever wish on another person. However, goodness can and does come from it….

Three babies in heaven

Even as I write this, I am praying that the doctor is wrong, that the ultrasound is wrong, that my baby lives. I know that if it is His will, He can still breathe life into this tiny being I still carry in my womb. On the morning before my…

the ugly cry

On March 4, 2011, Posted by , In Calvin Phoenix,Faith,Rainbow Baby, With No Comments

you know the kind. the kind that fills your entire body and wracks it with sobs. the kind that fills the silence of morning and mourning as primal, gutteral cries force their way through your gasps for air. the kind that chokes you with its pouring and suffocating, with its…