Monday, October 19, 2020
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A simple gift for bereaved parents

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A simple gift for bereaved parents

It’s been 38 months since Calvin was born. I can’t believe it’s been over three years. Especially in the early days of grief, it was hard to imagine surviving. But here I am, a survivor of stillbirth, two miscarriages, and infertility. Today, I am 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my fourth child.

Although time has softened the edges of grief and being pregnant with Charlie has breathed new life and hope in me, it hasn’t changed the fact that I miss my first baby… and my second baby… and my third baby. It doesn’t change the wondering Do others remember them? Do other think about them? Have people forgotten?

Something that I’ve learned is that even though we are the ones who are deeply hurting, missing, and grieving, it’s not enough to wait and expect others to come to us and offer support. There is so much fear surrounding how to approached the bereaved that, to get the comfort we need, it’s up to us to reach out and say Please let us know that you remember us, that you remember the child(ren) we’ve lost. It seems backwards, and it took me a while to reconcile this, but until we tell others that the best way to be there for us is not to distract or avoid, it will continue. To help get this message out, I created this card, which can you read more about at Dandiewinks: remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.

Please feel free to use it and share. Clicking on the image will bring you to Flickr, where you can choose which size you’d like to download. And here is the quote, which I first read from Tiffany (Genesis’s mommy):

“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who’s important to them, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn’t forget they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that’s a great, great gift.” (Elizabeth Edwards)

Happy 38 months in heaven, my sweet Calvin. I am forever grateful for you.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A simple gift for bereaved parents

  1. I think of my Joey so much too after Ayden is born. I wonder how much they would’ve or wouldn’t have looked alike (: I am immersed in a whole new world with Ayden and don’t know much what is going on. However, I am glad I caught you on your blog before Charlie is born – 35 weeks is a miracle… all rainbow babies are miraculous! Can’t wait to see him soon and you are so beautiful carrying him!

  2. I haven’t forgotten your sweet babies. Can’t wait for Bumble Bee Charlie to arrive. I mailed him something last month – hope you got it. xoxo

  3. Love, love, LOVE this! What a beautiful card. And, I have always loved Elizabeth’s words on the subject. So true. Thank you for being the beautiful mama you are. And, yes, your sweet Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen are still and always remembered. Love you!

  4. I know these feelings so true , yes I have my first child & so on but my 4th 5th & then I was blessed with my beautiful Rainbow Carly then only to lose two more children. People forget those but I will never. What a beautiful post & remembering Calvin , Rainbow & Gaelen always . Take care you wonderful Momma !!! xxoo

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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