Tomorrow morning, my RE will remove the “products of conception” from my womb. I’m not found of that wording, but technically that is what is happening. This is not something that I have blogged or shared with many people, but the itemized statements and insurance claims from when I was induced with Calvin labelled it as an “abortion,” which is such a loaded word. Many people tend to associate that word with terminating an unwanted pregnancy, with killing an embryo or fetus. But this word is defined as the termination of a pregnancy after, accompanied by, resulting in, or closely followed by the death of the embryo or fetus. So, even though my much wanted child is gone, I am expecting (though probably will never be prepared) to see “abortion” on my paperwork again.
I am so thankful that my RE was willing to do another ultrasound, that she let us decide and addressed our concerns, and that she is compassionate. Although, physically, I probably could have waited longer to see if my body would recognize that Gaelen was gone, I am emotionally drained and have made peace with knowing that my baby’s soul is with Jesus and big brother and big sister and all of our other relatives who rejoice in heaven. We choice to have the uterine extraction instead of the medication because the risks are minimal for both, because I will be at the hospital (which feels safer to both of us at this point), because it should be relatively quick as compared to the medications which may not work, and because testing can be done on the gestational sac.
My appointment is at 9am tomorrow morning. To prepare for the procedure, I have to take one dose of antibiotics tonight and one dose of antibiotics, vicodin, hydrocodone-acetaminophen, an NSAID, and valium in the morning. Tomorrow evening, I take another dose of antibiotics. Also I feel this is the best decision for us at this time, I am scared. Minimal-risk, low-risk, and rare don’t really click for me because I have been living in the world of rare for the past few years: from my uterus didelphys (one of the least common uterine anomalies), to Calvin’s amniotic band sequence leading to his death, to having three losses in a row. So again, I ask you for prayers, thoughts, vibes… that the procedure goes as it should without any detriment to my health or to my chances at future conception, that I don’t experience any adverse or harmful side effects from the medications, that Louie and I are able to find peace as we wait, during, and after saying goodbye to this pregnancy.
And, again, I will ask you to pray for my SIL and niece, because at the same time tomorrow, Claire has an appointment to be induced. Please pray for peace and a safe and healthy delivery for Claire and Nathalia.
For some time, I had been feeling that Gaelen would leave this world when Nathalia entered it. It seems that these feelings were right and these two cousins will share a special day together.