First, thank you so much for your thoughts, for your prayers, for your words of encouragement, for your tears, for your anger and frustration, for just being here with us. Grief can be very lonely and very isolating, but we do NOT feel alone in this, and that is a great source of comfort. It makes it easier. One of my junior high teachers, Mrs. James, gave me a book of quotes when I was in ninth grade. I am reminded of one of them: Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow. Thank you for coming into this painful space with us, for opening your hearts to our aching and desperation.
Second, I apologize for not updating sooner.
After my last post, I contacted my RE with questions, asking what had (or hadn’t changed) between the two ultrasounds, whether there was still a chance that it was too early, if was possible to wait and check again. At the first ultrasound, there was a gestational sac that contained a yolk sac and what looked like a very small fetal pole. (I am so thankful that I asked for copies, which doctors don’t usually give until they see a heartbeat.) The reason why she didn’t think we needed another follow-up, the reason why she said that the pregnancy was not viable was because although the gestational sac was bigger, it was empty at the second ultrasound. She no longer saw a yolk sac. She did not see a fetal pole.
I want to share two things with you:
- First, there’s this truth, with a lower case t: An empty sac where there was once the beginning of life is an indicator that the embryo has died.
- Then there’s this Truth, with a capital T: If God so chooses, He can restore this life.
This is where I am trying to rest: with an understanding of both of these truths. In all likelihood, despite my continuing symptoms of pregnancy, despite the lack of indication of miscarriage, Gaelen is no longer living; and I am trying to accept the possibility of needing further intervention either via medication or surgery to end this pregnancy and safeguard my health. However, I also fully believe that if God so desires and has reason to do so, this pregnancy could defy medical and scientific truth and end with a healthy, living child.
Because I haven’t started bleeding and because I do not wish to proceed with further intervention before having one last ultrasound, I will have a repeat ultrasound tomorrow afternoon, and possibly a quant. blood hcg, depending on what the u/s shows. So I’m fairly certain that tomorrow, my RE, Louie, and I will decide how to proceed: whether I will wait, whether I will take the medication (which I’m assuming will be methotrexate and/or misoprostol), or whether I will have surgery. If the ultrasound shows that Gaelen is gone and that my body is not progressing as it should, I will choose the intervention that poses the least risk to myself and my future fertility, should Louie and I decide to try again.
I would really appreciate your continued prayers and positive thoughts, vibes, energies, and wishes for peace, for comfort, for acceptance, especially as we approach our appointment tomorrow afternoon (2:45pm PST).
Also please pray for my SIL and her baby as they navigate the end of this pregnancy and the continued difficulties that arise as they try to reach 39 weeks, as well as for my sister and her baby-on-the-way (due on April 1st) who have thankfully been able to avoid preterm labor.