Monday, July 13, 2020
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > Day 6: What Not to Say (Capture Your Grief)

Day 6: What Not to Say (Capture Your Grief)


  • They’re in a better place: as a parent, it’s hard to accept that there is a better place for my child than with me, and even though I know being with God is the best place, it won’t stop my longing.
  • Anything that begins with At least is probably more hurtful than helpful, undermines my loss, and doesn’t change how painful it is to lose a baby.
  • You’re still young: What does age have to do with my grief? It doesn’t diminish my pain in any way. It does make my reunion with my dead babies seem that much further away.
  • God needed another angel: Even if I believed my babies turned into angels (who I believe are separate creations from humans), if He needed another angel, there is no reason why God could not create one instead of taking three of my babies. All I feel is the loss of not having them with me.
  • You’re baby wasn’t even a baby yet: This was said to me about Calvin by a counselor in the OB department after I said he was 18 weeks when we lost him. One of the worst things I’ve heard. She doesn’t work there anymore.
  • Be strong: Allow me to be weak in my grief; my world was just shattered.
  • Life goes on: And this is supposed to help me how? I watch the world and everyone else continue living, when all I want is for time to pause, for it to allow me to go back and linger (even for just one more moment) in the spaces when I still had Calvin, had Rainbow, had Gaelen.
  • You’re lucky you have your own guardian angels: Please don’t apply “lucky” to the loss of my babies. Would you trade your living children so you could have guardians in heaven?
  • Just try again: Each of my babies are individually loved and wanted. They are not inanimate objects that can just be replaced.
  • It wasn’t meant to be: If my heaven babies weren’t meant to “be,” why did they come into “being” in my womb? Obviously they were “meant” to die because they are dead. Stating it does not bring me comfort. It doesn’t change the anguish of losing them.
  • There are worse things: Maybe for you. Definitely not for me.
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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