During Easter Mass yesterday, as with every Mass, I find myself crying after taking Communion, while I’m kneeling in prayer. Lately, it feels like church is the only place where the tears flow freely, where the awareness of the rising in my throat is not accompanied with an urge to stop it. Yesterday, I realized it was because I know Jesus understands my pain and is okay with me being unable to carry my burdens with strength unwavering.
I started coming to full realization of how much Jesus went through on Palm Sunday. Yes, I’ve watched The Passion. I’ve been involved in the Passion play at my church. I have seen the Stations of the Cross. Palm Sunday, however, was the first time that the Word, by itself, without the visual impact, brought me to tears. Since losing my babies, I could finally related to what Christ was feeling as He prayed and sweat blood, asking, pleading with God, but only if it was the Father’s will. How I prayed and prayed for Calvin to be saved, for Rainbow to live, knowing that it was not His plan. And after being let down and disappointed by friends and family, I could understand the hurt that Jesus must have felt as He looked to the Apostles for support, but found them sleeping. For the first time, I felt connected to Jesus’s agony, and it didn’t seem so distant anymore. It began with the Responsorial Psalm: My God, My God, why have you abandoned me? and continued through the readings. I know that pain. I know what it is like to hurt so badly, that you question whether God has forgotten you.
But this was all part of God’s plan: Jesus went through all of that for me, for my babies, to ensure that we would gain eternal life and never be separated again. I don’t know that I could have come to know Him as intimately as I do if it weren’t for Calvin and Rainbow. Maybe that is part of His plan for me?
Hope in His Promise
This picture was taken during lunch after Mass yesterday. For any of you super geeks out there (I married one), you may recognize the symbols we are wearing. It’s the symbol of the Blue Lanterns’ power rings, which are fueled by the emotion hope (there are different colored lanterns, with different symbols, that are fueled by other emotions). I also love their oath (which they use to recharge):
In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars For hope burns bright!
Isn’t that just awesome? I thought it was fitting for Easter, so I went ahead and “geeked out” with Louie in celebration of Christ’s resurrection and the promise it brings — especially that of seeing Calvin and Rainbow again.
Sharing in the Joy
Today, I also wanted to announce the official launch of Calvin’s Cupcakes! Last month, on Calvin’s birthday, I shared that Calvin’s Cupcakes would be coming soon on this post. There are already several cupcakes up on the site, because we started making cupcakes and sending them out as I was getting the site up and as we were waiting for today to officially launch. We did not want to miss any birthdays.
We are so happy to be able to do this in honor of our sweet boy and in celebration of all those beautiful children who have their birthday parties in Heaven and know the joys of being in His presence. Please feel free to grab the site button and share Calvin’s Cupcakes with others.