Tuesday, November 24, 2020
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > The 5th Belongs to Calvin: When the Bough Breaks

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: When the Bough Breaks

On December 6, 2009, a friend of ours, Abe took pictures of me, Louie, Calvin, and Rainbow (though he didn’t know I was pregnant with Rainbow when he took them) for a digital photography class project. He wanted to share our story.

After some apprehension of being made vulnerable, Louie and I decided that, yes, we would do it. It was important to have Calvin’s life recognize and to help others to understand that this loss is so much more profound than the silence around pregnancy loss would have some people believe. And if losing Calvin can touch others in any way – whether it be providing others with insight to the grief of losing a child or letting someone else know that she or he is not alone – it makes the pain of being without him just a little bit more bearable.

Thank you so much, Abe, for being so willing to take on a painful story, for honoring our son, and for acknowledging our grief. This video means a lot to me and Louie.

These pictures were actually taken just four days before I started miscarrying our Rainbow baby, and it means so much for me to have these pictures — this is the closest we can get to having family pictures this side of Heaven. I love that through Calvin’s story we are able to have these images and remember not only our firstborn, but also our second baby in heaven.

Happy 11 Months in Heaven, my sweet little boy. I miss you so much, Calvin. I hope you and Rainbow are having fun in Heaven as you watch over Mommy and Daddy.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “The 5th Belongs to Calvin: When the Bough Breaks

  1. Crystal this video is beautiful. It explains so much of how I feel, how we all feel. What we should have done. How we blame ourselves when apparently there is nothing we could have done differently. How we failed everyone.

    I also lost my second, my rainbow baby, just recently by miscarriage. Please feel free to drop by my blog or email me if you want to talk…

  2. First, wishing Calvin a happy 11 months in Heaven. We can only imagine the wonders and joy that you know!!

    And WOW the video is so amazing and brought me to tears. So, so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it!

  3. That video was beautiful. There were many things I also didn’t do that I wish I had. We do the best we can to just survive during those moments that we want so badly to die ourselves. I couldn’t have known and neither could you that there would be things that we wished we had done. I never saw my son naked either. I didn’t hold him skin to skin or kiss him enough or take enough pictures. There is never enough time to do all we want to do when our child has died, the pain is the price we pay for loving them. Thanks for stopping by my blog and meeting my Calvin. Hugs to you

  4. Oh, that is just absolutely lovely. What a wonderful way for the four of you to be together (I hope that makes sense!). It was so beautiful, and made me cry – that’s just beautiful.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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