It started with pieces of me gone with my babies, pieces left behind by grief. I'm in fragments, but it's a beautiful mess, so I'm blessed to be broken.

For My Pixel in Heaven

Pixel's ultrasoundI never came into this space — my sacred space — to share that I had gotten pregnant again. That I had lost a baby again. That for a very short while, I carried a baby girl, who’s formation was disrupted by both Trisomy 18 and Turner’s Syndrome.

I didn’t know what to say. Or how to say it.

Is there a new way to say that I had another miscarriage? To say that another one of my babies died? To say that a fourth piece of my heart has yet again disappeared beyond my reach in this world? Or that I died a death that, though so familiar, had grown foreign in the joy of having — finally, a living child — miraculous Charlie in my arms?

Last November, I broke in a new way that was further fractured by the guilt at thinking (for the first time) the timing of this new baby “wasn’t right.” Shame on me for not having remembered this lesson: the timing is only “wrong” if my baby actually makes it out of my body alive and survives. Shame on me for forgetting that, ultimately, each baby (living or not) is an absolutely perfect blessing. I am especially reminded of this today, on the fifth anniversary of learning my first child had died in my womb.

Pixel Clementine, your timing was absolutely perfect, baby girl. And I’m so sorry momma didn’t realize that sooner.

No Small Miracle


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Carrying my babies


Carrying my babies in heart and in arms

…all five in my heart, one in my arms.

Happy Holidays from our Family to Yours


Happy holidays from our family to yours

Snackey Chains


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: My #homemade #YankeeSwap gift for the #usfca OCM holiday party. It was voted "swappiest gift" aka "worst" gift. So did I win? Or did I lose?

Eeeeeeek!


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ZOMG. Spider.

October 15th

Three of my babies died. I miss them. I love them. I remember them — not that I’ve ever forgotten. It’s just that today, I am allowed to be a bereaved mother, to mourn, and to speak of the babies I carry in my heart. No one can tell me I need to move on, because today, on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I need to remember.

Really, this is my everyday. But especially today, I am honoring my Calvin, my Rainbow, and my Gaelen. I am remembering all babies who have died too soon, including those of relatives and friends. I am abiding by these families who must endure a lifetime of mousing.

Happy 16 Months Charlie Bastian!


Carrying Charlie on my back

This is one of our more successful attempts at a back carry using a woven wrap by Little Frog. I’m getting there.

Mmmm Feet


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Who took his first solo steps yesterday then refused to do it again? This guy!

Happy Birthday to my Husby


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I’m so grateful to have shared the last 14 birthdays with you. Love you more than cake and cookies and ice cream and doughnuts and bread and cheese and chocolate and bacon combined!

Happiness


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That Charlie Bastian, I think he just might be the Happiest Baby on the Block.

I look forward to this every month.


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