A couple months ago, my reproductive endocrinologist told me and Louie that I have low ovarian reserve. She suspected this based on my low follicle count, and it was confirmed by my blood test results. She also told me that my FSH level was high, while my LH level was low; they are supposed to have a 1:1 ratio. What this means is that even though I am “young,” I don’t have a lot of time left to have more children. She thinks that the reason for losing Rainbow and Gaelen could be implantation problems caused by my hormone imbalance, which creates a less than ideal uterine environment.
I suspected things were wrong before the testing, because there were months when I didn’t ovulate. And because I was ovulating later than day 20 of my cycle. And because my luteal phase was around 10-11 days, when ideally it should be at least 12 (average is 14 days). And because my basal body temperature hovers in the mid-96s in the first half of my cycle. To help balance things out, she suggested I take Clomid (clomiphene). And I was devastated.
It was just a lot of information to take in. Finding out that Gaelen’s pathology report came back normal was difficult, because it made me feel like it was my fault, because I couldn’t keep her alive. Confirming these issues with my body just magnified these feelings of guilt and inadequacy, of being broken.
I know I’m not supposed to let these things define me, but they are part of who I am: Recurrent pregnancy loss. Second trimester stillbirth. Multiple miscarriages. Infertility. Low ovarian reserve.
I took Clomid last month, on cycle days 2-6, just as the RE had instructed. I was ambivalent about it. I didn’t feel like it could fix whatever was wrong with me, but I couldn’t not go through the motions. Then I started getting headaches. These headaches turned to migraines. Sometimes I would get dizzy. Then, I started getting achiness in my lower left side. It became so painful that it hurt to bend and twist. Weepiness and mood swings soon followed. And these side effects lasted beyond the the 5 days I took the pills. Clomid did work in making me ovulate sooner, in lengthening my luteal phase, and in shortening my cycle. It also worked in giving me symptoms of pregnancy, which messed with my head. And I continued to feel fullness in my lower left side into my next cycle; it’s still there now. So I decided to skip the pills this month. My doctor thinks I have a persistent ovarian cyst from the Clomid and am experiencing continued side effects from the estrogen. It should resolve on its own, but I am done with this medication. One cycle, and I fail at Clomid (partly by choice).
On my dresser is a prescription for Letrazole. It’s a lot more expensive than Clomid. It’s supposed to have fewer side effects. But this medicine, also known as Femara, is an off-label fertility treatment. It’s meant as a treatment for post-menopausal women who have breast cancer.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Yes, I am not the only woman in the world who has a uterine anomaly, who has lost a baby later in pregnancy, who has suffered multiple/consecutive miscarriages, who is dealing with infertility. But charting, temping, peeing on test sticks, taking vitamins and supplements, using monitors, taking fertility drugs, and also living with the fear that even if I do get pregnant, my chances of losing the baby are higher than normal… it feels like a lot to carry. My grief for Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen, weigh on my heart enough. It would be easier if the desire to mother a living child left me.
And before someone says stop trying, let me say, Been there, done that, didn’t work. And before someone tells me to relax, let me ask, Have you walked in my shoes? And before someone asks me if we’ve considered adoption or foster care or artificial reproductive technology, the answer is yes; but those things aren’t fixes to what we are feeling or what we are are going through right now. And finally, please don’t say, At least you got pregnant. This is not something you say to someone whose baby had died inside her body, especially if you haven’t experienced it or if you don’t know the struggles of infertility. You can think any of these things, sure, but please don’t say them to me. Especially not after three losses.
Is there anyone else out there who’s experienced both loss and infertility?
Did you have similar feelings of ambivalence about treatment? How did you handle it? How has suffering through both affected you?
I’m so sorry for all that you have to endure in just trying again. My heart just breaks for all the mommas who suffer from infertility b/c I can see thru you all how difficult that road is. I surely count my blessings b/c of it.
Thank you, Holly. It really is such a hard path to find myself on. Your support means a lot. I’m so glad you have your daughters on earth to hold, but I know how much you still miss Carleigh.
I never took any fertility treatments, but it was nearly 4 years after M. died that we had her brother. I wept every month that my period came. And when I got pregnant with him, I worried the whole 9 months, waiting for a repeat loss. I hurt for you and Louie. I know you want a baby so much and you greatly miss your three little ones as well as grieving about your fertility issues. I do pray that someday you will have a baby in your arms to take home and keep. (((HUGS)))
Clomid did not do so well with my body type either back in ’08. It dried my cervical mucous and caused a fibroid to grow which didn’t help when I was TTC at home. I have “normal” periods yet some PCOS friends have been luckier than me with conceiving. I don’t know why I can’t get pregnant on my own…charting temps, ovul kits, ovul watch (it was a pretty cool watch), pre-seed lubricator, “Taking Charge of your Fertility” book, etc. Tried everything and thought of every possible option too such as adoption. I think we all have but others don’t know “where we stand” on it. I became annoyed with my friends who didn’t realize how their suggestions were not helping me at all. All I know is…. family planning is a sacred decision between a husband and wife. I think I will start telling friends that if I hear one more unsolicited comment. Whatever you and L decide to do….you have the rest of us who DO understand and completely SUPPORT your decision. I hope Femara works better for you….I have been taking Femara with Follistim shots and my RE nurse reassured me Femara leaves our system instantly so our babies won’t be harmed.
I think Clomid dried up my CM, too; I definitely did not have any EWCM last cycle. I forgot to mention the books, too. I ordered a NFP course and read the book “Fertility and Nutrition,” and then later bought “Making Babies.” Family planning *is* a sacred decision, and it’s so weird that so many people have their opinions. Thanks so much for your support and for you reassurance about Femara. That makes me feel a little better about it.
I had an early miscarriage early in my 20s, as a cruel fluke, because my PCOS is so severe that I was only able to ovulate when we did IVF,and then at dangerous levels. Then we lost Maddie. I have the worst PCOS possible, endometriosis, and incompetent cervix, I understand this post very well, and I am so sorry.
I despaired a lot through the Clomid, the IUI, the surgery that drilled out the bottom of my ovaries, and how none of them forced me to ovulate. IVF was our only possible option, and it hurt. And then when Maddie was stillborn, after all that time and money and hurt and love… My pregnancy with Alice was almost impossible.
((Hugs)). I can only imagine what it must have been like to go through all of that. I am so happy that you have Alice here. I still remember when you announced your BFP on BBC (I don’t even remember your BBC name anymore!), and I started following your blog.
“charting, temping, peeing on test sticks, taking vitamins and supplements, using monitors, taking fertility drugs, and also living with the fear that even if I do get pregnant, my chances of losing the baby are higher than normal… it feels like a lot to carry.” YES. I also am SO tired of all of these things. I’ve been doing it all for 2.5 years. I’ve been giving myself injections for almost a year now, and I’m both glad I’m done with it for now and scared because I thought that was how I was supposed to be getting a baby and I feel like I won’t be able to now. I feel like I need to just quit it all and “not try,” but I feel like if I do that I’ll just have another miscarriage for sure and I’m really scared. Although the injections never stopped that from happening anyway…
Also, just curious at what time you temp? Because mine are in the mid-96s too, but I temp at 3-4am. I know they’d be higher if I temped later. But still, it bothers me that I don’t have any explanation or whatever for why I have bad eggs.
Shannon, I can understand how scary it must be to stop doing the injections; it’s like one more thing that could cause things to wrong. I hope that’s not the case. I really do. And is there really a test that can accurately let you know egg quality? I mean, short of egg retrieval and actually looking a bunch of them. I wish you had a better explanation.
I temp at around 6:30am. When I temp’ed a little later, they were in the higher 96s, I think, but still so low :(.