My Failings as a Mother

• I should not have exerted myself so much in the beginning of my pregnancy because I was spotting and cramping for almost two months of my pregnancy, and it increased when I was on my feet and walking for extended periods of time
• I should have eaten healthier and taken folic acid more consistently and taken prenatal vitamins
• I should have exercised more
• I should have done something about all the stress I was experiencing at work because I know that high stress levels affects fetal development
• I should have prayed more
• I should have asked for more prayers
• I should have gone to church more
• I should have requested to have my follow-up ultrasound sooner
• I should have called the doctor when I couldn’t tell if Calvin was moving or not
• I should have been taking better care of myself before I got pregnant
• I should not have cried and said I didn’t want to throw up anymore the day I was throwing up every 5 minutes
• I should have called the doctor when I was vomitting all morning
• I should not have entertained the thought early in my pregnancy when the doctors suspected a miscarriage that maybe it was better if I had a miscarriage because Louie and I aren’t as stable as we could be
• I never should have felt like I did not want kids
• I never should have wanted Calvin as much as I did because maybe that’s why he was taken from me
• I should have accepted motherhood sooner
• I should have accepted marriage sooner
• I should have appreciated my pregnancy more
• I should have taken more pictures while I was pregnant with Calvin
• I should have shared my pregnancy with more people
• I should have documented my pregnancy better
• I should have asked the doctor if my baby was in pain even if I was afraid of his answer
• I should have looked at Calvin’s whole body when I had the chance and not left him wrapped up in the blankets out of fear of seeing his malformations
• I should have shared how happy I was to be pregnant and to become a mother
• I should have been a better person so I could be deserving of my child

I am not asking you to tell me that I wasn’t wrong. Despite all of these inadequacies, I am trying to believe that I tried my best at the time; I am trying to forgive myself. If anything, tell me that it’s okay to feel this way.

Because as much as people can tell me that it’s not my fault that I lost my baby, as much as the perinatologists and the genetic counselor can tell me that amniotic band sequence is not genetic, that there is nothing I could have done to cause it, that it was not caused by anything I failed to do, that it is such a rarity that it should never happen again and that no one I know should have to go through this…. It was my body, it was my womb – I was supposed to keep him safe until he was ready to come into this world. And after losing my son, how can I not feel like I failed my child? like I failed my husband? like I failed myself? like I failed everyone who loves this baby?