G is for Goodness (Finding grace in this grief)

There’s something oddly right about knowing that my blood, my wound formed this heart.

Losing a child is not a good thing. It is not a blessing. It is not something any baby-loss parent I know would ever wish on another person.

However, goodness can and does come from it. When we are at our weakest, grace is revealed through us not in the act of losing, no through the actual pain and desperation, but through all the good that occurs in response to it all:

• a nurse who takes her break early so she can be there during a procedure she had a feeling would be inevitable and who finds a disposable camera so you can take the only photos you will ever have with your baby
• a midwife who sees your name on the patient list, remembers your struggle, and sits with you and your husband with tears in her eyes as you cradle your dead baby in your arms
• a support group that becomes a second family and goes with you to an ultrasound when your husband cannot
• a grief counselor who sends you a card on the anniversary of losing your son
• friendships made between women who have never met, but who have grown to love each other as sisters
• faith found, faith renewed, and faith strengthened through the sharing of your story
• becoming closer to your spouse than you thought possible and realizing that you are enough for each other
• finding your voice and using it

And there is so much more. I’ve written about how God has lifted me up and positive ways that I have changed through my losses.To be honest, though, if I had been given the choice, I would trade it in to have my children in my arms, instead of awaiting me in heaven. Yes, it’s selfish, but I still want them here—all three of them. (And I can hardly imagine how much God must love us to give Jesus up for our salvation.)

It’s difficult to reconcile, especially in the beginning, but I have to acknowledge that so much of the compassion, the love, the strength, and the goodness we have seen in the past 2+ years have been because we lost Calvin, then Rainbow, then Gaelen. I know because I’ve witnessed it. God is using us, our grief, our babies to make beauty from ashes, and He is being glorified through it all. And it is by His grace alone that I can rejoice in this knowledge.

What good things have come from your pain?

When did you recognize them as good? How did you connect it to your loss or heartache? Would you trade all the good to undo the bad?

This post is a part of a series called Unpacking Grief, which I began as part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge.