As the 5th approached, I started wondering what I could write about. I’m still hesitant to write about Charlie much, maybe because I think of this as a space for remembering my other babies, maybe partly because being a part of the baby loss community, I feel guilty sharing about my earth baby. I don’t know. I haven’t really though much about the reasoning… just that I’ve felt uneasy. Maybe part of it is that I’m still in disbelief that we finally have a living child in our arms, and “indulging” in it too much will jinx it. I don’t know.
Yesterday, Louie and I decided to take Charlie for an evening walk for the first time. Usually, his stroller rides are in the afternoon. During our walk, we saw something really beautiful, and I knew what to share for this month’s The 5th Belongs to Calvin. This isn’t a great photo—It’s basically a poor reflection of what we actually saw—but it was an amazing rainbow.
It felt so close and was so vibrant. (It was so impressive that Facebook was filled with pictures of it, and it was even mentioned on the local news.) As we were walking, I noticed other people on the street staring at it, watching the clouds roll across the rainbow as if it was playing peekaboo with us. I wish my phone could have captured it better. Seeing that rainbow made my heart swell and my eyes tear. Someone we passed said, “I haven’t seen a rainbow like that in a really long time.” In the 12 years I’ve been in San Francisco, I have never seen a rainbow here.
That rainbow in particular reminds me of all of my children: of Calvin, of course because this was his day and because I associate him with cloud-play; of Rainbow for obvious reasons: our first rainbow baby after the storm; of Gaelen because she was our second rainbow and our hope baby after over a year of trying; and of Charlie, who is our rainbow baby on earth. Looking at that rainbow through the dense San Francisco clouds, it felt as if my babies in heaven were telling me that it was okay to more fully celebrate and share the joy (and struggles) of having their baby brother here with me. So I plan to do just that, beginning with sharing this, which I’ve been to post for the past two months:
PS I know this post is going up late, but I’m learning to be more forgiving of myself. I know my babies know I love them, and I’m sure Calvin understands that I’ve been needing to take care of Charlie who hasn’t been feeling well the past few days.
Dear Calvin, What an amazing gift it was to see that spectacular rainbow on your special day: 3 1/2 years in heaven. I still long to have you and and your sisters here with me and your daddy and now with your littlest sibling, but I’m so happy to have pieces of you in my arms when I hold him. We love you all so much.
Oh please don’t feel guilty (: We have so much on our shoulders taking care of our earth angel and preserving the memories of our heavenly angels! What a beautiful blog you have for Calvin, Rainbow, and Gaelen! I know your grief and my grief are not over even as we experience the joy of our God given sons…. Many blessings to you and your family!
I think we, as mother’s, are increadibly hard on ourselves and expect way too much of ourselves. I know our stories are different, but I feel guilty because I don’t often think about my angel anymore. Certian things remind me, but when I realize days have done by without so much as a fleeting thought, I feel quilty. I think I need to remind myself that my Angel needs nothing but my love, which he/she will always have, but Regan needs all of me. And just becasue I am moving on with my life, I don’t think my Angel resents me for doing just that. Because withour my Angel, I wouldn’t have my Regan. You truely amaze me with the love and dedication you have to your children’s memories. All four of your babies are truely blessed!
Both of these Rainbows, the one in the sky & the one in your arms, are beautiful! Charlie IS a part of Calvin’s story, a very big part of his story & that of Rainbow & Gaelen. LOVE YOU!!!!