Wednesday, August 12, 2020
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Clinging to Hope

Calvin and Rainbow

First, I want to say thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, virtual hugs, positive vibes, on Facebook, my blog, Twitter, BBC, texts, and emails. During a time that is so isolating, we know we are not alone.

The photo is from the day we found out we were expecting again. It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving (our positive home pregnancy test with Calvin was on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving last year). I call this picture Calvin and Rainbow. I will speak to the terms Rainbow and Rainbow Baby in a later post.

I had my ultrasound, and they found a sac in my left uterus with only fluid inside. Based on my dates, there should have been at least a yolk sac, if not a fetal pole and beating heart. The biggest concern is that it could be an ectopic pregnancy (which means implantation happened outside of the uterus); this can lead to a sac in the uterus. Other possibilities include an early loss, or, because I am irregular, conception could have occurred later, and it’s just really early.

According to my initial hcg level test, it is high enough to indicate pregnancy, but not necessarily enough to show anything on an ultrasound. This would be the best case scenario. It’s what we are hoping and praying for. However, the spotting has turned into bleeding and the bleeding has been increasing. In my researching, I have read of women who had heavy bleeding and still went on to have healthy babies. I also read of women who did not have a yolk sac at 6 weeks, but were okay later on. I want to be one of them. But Louie and I are preparing for the worst.

If my hcg numbers go up and there is no change or growth in the ultrasound, it would be most likely that I have an ectopic pregnancy. In this case, I would be given a medication that would kill the cells. This type of pregnancy is not viable. It can cause a rupture. A certain percentage of women end up needing to have their fallopian tube removed (where the egg implanted). A certain percentage become infertile afterwards. I really, really pray this is not an ectopic pregnancy.

If this is a miscarriage, I will continue to cramp, and the bleeding will continue and increase. I will have a few days of really heavy bleeding. My hcg levels should show a drop. If I am losing this baby, I prefer for it to happen naturally, without needing medical intervention — be it tablets (which they used for my induction with Calvin) or a D & C (which they used to remove the remnants of Calvin’s placenta), I would really prefer not to go through that again this year…. or ever.

Please continue praying for us, keeping us in your thoughts, and sending positive energy our way.

I know that with God, anything is possible. As Grandma Floring would say, God can move mountains. But, I also know, that sometimes, His will is different from what we are seeking. Regardless, of the outcome (though we all know which one Louie and I desperately desire), He is still faithful.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “Clinging to Hope

  1. Crystal,
    I know we don’t know each other but I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I know that you will have your rainbow baby one day. Thinking of you.

  2. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    Isaiah 41:10

    I love you both!

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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