Wednesday, September 30, 2020
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Two in Heaven

A part of me wonders if I should have guarded my heart against loving my Rainbow. Could it have dulled the deep sting of this second loss in any way? But then, it seems kind of ridiculous. What milestone is there to say it’s okay to start loving your baby when I have seen parents lose their children at all stages of life?

Statistics say the chance of miscarriage drops to 5% after you see the heartbeat. Statistics say that after the first trimester, you are “safe.” But those rules did not apply to Calvin. And all of our losses did not save our next baby, because there is no “loss quota.” Or maybe that rule doesn’t apply to us either. And I know too many people who have lost their babies after they reached viability outside of the womb and even after birth and in the days, weeks, months, and even years that followed.

If anything, I am glad for the hope and happiness I felt in the few weeks of my pregnancy with Rainbow. One of my fears was that I would have nothing of my heart to give after Calvin went to be with God. But that fear melted away. I can love as fiercely and as wholly as I loved my first child. There is no capacity to limit the love I can have for any of my children – living or dead. I am comforted by that.

As Louie said, if we can’t have happiness, we’ll take a beautiful sadness. I’d rather miss my babies than have nothing.

Thank you, my two little ones, for giving us that. I know happiness will come, but I don’t mind the wait. I love you, Calvin and Rainbow, and I can’t wait to have you in my arms.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “Two in Heaven

  1. It’s been hard for me as the year almost ends….I’m here left with the memories of my son and my mom who both passed away. So the times when I’m sad with the memories of them both, I think of moms including you who have lost their babies. Especially during the holidays, I think of you and other moms alot. Just wanted you to know that.

  2. First of all…prayers (for peace, comfort, strength…and all that you both need during this time) from here in Georgia to you and your husband.

    Secondly…thank you so much for coming by through Lynette’s (Getting to Know you post) and commenting. (I am thankful for a full time job, but so glad to have a few days off to finally come by and say thank you! Come back any time).

    It is always great to meet others…and amazing that we are able to do so through blogging.

    Blessings & Aloha!
    (I also love your daily mugshot photos…very neat!)

  3. I am so sorry. I love what you said “if we can’t have happiness, we’ll take a beautiful sadness”. So soo true. I just found your blog through your comment on my blog. Your faith is beautiful and I know that both your babies must be so proud of you. Praying for you


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