Yesterday was the 5th. Today is the 6th. Yesterday I did my post for the A to Z Challenge, but I did NOT post for Calvin. And now I am sitting here crying because I feel like I failed my son by forgetting that the 5th is his day.
At first, I was in shock. After I posted about the March of Dimes, I looked at the clock on my computer and saw that it said “4/6/2011.” I missed the 5th. I missed Calvin’s day. I had been thinking about the 5th last week, trying to figure out what I should post. I have been thinking about Calvin and wondering if the RE could somehow get access to his ultrasound footage and give me a copy. I have been focusing on how to raise money for the March of Dimes, which we are participating in for him and Rainbow and Gaelen, but especially for Calvin, because he had birth defects, and I had first learned of the March for Babies right after we lost him.
But when yesterday came… I failed. And I’m not sure what to do with that. Louie is comforting me by telling me that Calvin just reads them as they come, and he enjoys them and that Calvin still loves me and that forgetting doesn’t change my relationship with him. I know Louie’s right, but it’s still hard to accept that I missed the 5th.
Calvin, mommy is so sorry for not posting for you yesterday. I think of you and Rainbow and Gaelen everyday. Mommy and daddy always talk about you. You are never far from my thoughts and you are always in my heart. I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive mommy. I love you so much.
Have you ever felt like you failed your baby after you had already lost him or her?
What happened? How did you forgive yourself?