Sunday, September 22, 2019
Home > Grief & Loss > F is for I forgot my baby’s day (Please forgive me, Calvin)

F is for I forgot my baby’s day (Please forgive me, Calvin)

Yesterday was the 5th. Today is the 6th. Yesterday I did my post for the A to Z Challenge, but I did NOT post for Calvin. And now I am sitting here crying because I feel like I failed my son by forgetting that the 5th is his day.

At first, I was in shock. After I posted about the March of Dimes, I looked at the clock on my computer and saw that it said “4/6/2011.” I missed the 5th. I missed Calvin’s day. I had been thinking about the 5th last week, trying to figure out what I should post. I have been thinking about Calvin and wondering if the RE could somehow get access to his ultrasound footage and give me a copy. I have been focusing on how to raise money for the March of Dimes, which we are participating in for him and Rainbow and Gaelen, but especially for Calvin, because he had birth defects, and I had first learned of the March for Babies right after we lost him.

But when yesterday came… I failed. And I’m not sure what to do with that. Louie is comforting me by telling me that Calvin just reads them as they come, and he enjoys them and that Calvin still loves me and that forgetting doesn’t change my relationship with him. I know Louie’s right, but it’s still hard to accept that I missed the 5th.


Calvin, mommy is so sorry for not posting for you yesterday. I think of you and Rainbow and Gaelen everyday. Mommy and daddy always talk about you. You are never far from my thoughts and you are always in my heart. I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive mommy. I love you so much.


Have you ever felt like you failed your baby after you had already lost him or her?

What happened? How did you forgive yourself?

This post is a part of a series called Unpacking Grief, which I began as part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge.

crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “F is for I forgot my baby’s day (Please forgive me, Calvin)

  1. Oh please don’t feel bad! I have forgotten the day on more than one occasion and wasn’t even reminded until someone else mentioned it. Just because we forget the day doesn’t mean we forget our babies. NEVER!!

  2. it sounds more like you just thought you already did it, not that you forgot about him… like you said, we know you’re always thinking of the babies. you do so much more in honor of your kids than many that have their babies on Earth but neglect them or are self absorbed.

    1. Thank you, Kelly. It’s nice to be reminded that mommy guilt will happen whether our children are with us or waiting for us. That gives me comfort. Thank you, also, for the reminder that love never fails.

      PS Louie actually has a different last name – so he is Louie. E.. Doesn’t that sound even cooler? He still likes your name by the way!

  3. Mommy guilt, I’ve learned, is such a powerful thing that we are not exempt from it…whether our babies are on earth or in heaven. And, you my dear, are one of the most beautiful hearted mommies I know. You love your children, and that love is evident in all you do. I fail my kids all the time. That’s what moms do. But, our love…well that’s a different story. Love never fails. And, Calvin knows that…probably better than we do.

  4. Hey there miss thing, that is my friend you are beating up, so you better just stop. You did not fail your son. I know there is not a day, not a single day, in the last 2 years that has not gone by where you have not thought of him at least once. Everyday is his day in your heart.
    I like to believe that in those moments where I give myself passage to let go, that those moments make my boys the happiest. They know I love them, they know I wish they could be here. I like think now they would like to know that my heart has healed every so slightly, that I am able to feel hope again, and not walk in my grief for them. Everyday I walk by their urn and photo, I wish I remembered everyday to say hello, but I don’t. Does it make me sad, yes, because I realize that another day has gone on without them. Does that make me fail them? No, I won’t believe that.
    So, I know Calvin does not think you failed him. He lives everyday, where ever his spirit is, bathed in the knowledge that no little boy was ever loved like he is loved by you. And those moments, those few moments where you are able to let go of you pain and think of something else, well they bring him joy, because that is all that he wants for his mommy.
    Love ya girlie,
    K

    1. Thank you, Kris. That is a beautiful way of viewing the moments of respite from the aching. Sometimes it feels like my grief is all I have of my babies, but I know that’s not true.

  5. You didn’t fail – please don’t think that!!! I remember at first feeling awful that I wasn’t counting the days anymore. And then I wasn’t thinking of Fridays as her day anymore. And now, there are 28ths that I don’t feel extra sad. I DO always carry her with me, and I know you carry Calvin with you. And he knows that, too. xoxo

  6. Sweetie, I don’t think you failed Calvin, even if it feels like it. Every day is his day in your heart whether you put it into words or not.

    The hardest thing is to forgive myself for not keeping my children safe. After all that’s what a mother does isn’t it? I think I will always struggle with that, logic and truth don’t come into it.

    xxx

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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