A couple weeks ago, I went kite flying at ocean beach with my husband, our roommate, my sister-in-law, and my brother-in-law. It was my first time at the beach since before Louie and I had our church wedding last September. My first time at the beach since knowing my son. It was weird being back there. Not really bad. Just different. Louie bought a piranha stunt kite because he thought Calvin would like it.
While we were there, I decided to write my son’s name in the sand, and with each letter I was overcome…
…with sadness, with love, with happiness, with longing – with every feeling that comes with having a child, with every feeling that comes with losing that child. I felt my heart swell. I loved seeing his name written in such a way – to see him name mark the shoreline in big letters that were crafted by my hands. I felt like a mother.
When I finished, the sun was already beginning to set and the tide was inching ever closer to my baby boy’s name. So I ran up the beach to where my sister-in-law sat taking pictures of everyone else wrestling with our kites in the wind and asked her to take pictures of Calvin’s name. Thank you so much, Claire, for taking these photographs.
The past few days have been difficult. I have been missing Calvin Phoenix so very much, and today my heart was lifted as I processed the pictures of his name and put them together for him, and for myself and his daddy.
As you look at these, please say his name aloud; please say Calvin Phoenix, and think on him for just for a minute.
Crystal…I followed your link here from Babycenter…I was so moved by your words and they resonated so deeply with me. I did say your little boy’s name…Calvin Phoenix…and I thought of him and I understand your desire for people to say his name and give him thought. My little boy’s name is Marcus Leigh…he passed on March 11…I delivered on March 12th and I miss him terribly. Like you, I have seen God’s blessings, His hand at work throughout this tragedy but it’s still hard to accept His will. I miss my little boy…I know you do too.
Monica, thank you so much. Marcus Leigh is a beautiful name. I hope our two boys have found each other in Heaven, so they can enjoy each others company as they wait us.
Crystal, Your words for Calvin are so beautiful, it brings me tears. I wish for you the day when you would think of Calvin more with a smile…with such fond sweet memories, and replace those tears that you are understandably going through right now. Take good care of yourself. Love, Auntie Margaret
Thank you, Auntie Margaret. I am able to smile more when I think about Calvin and what a blessing he has been to me and Louie. I don’t know if the tears will ever stop, but I do know I am happier having had and lost him than never having my son at all.