Monday, September 23, 2019
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Calvin’s Birthverse

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Calvin’s Birthverse

he saved us, not because of of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit… (Titus 3:5 NIV)

To find the bible verse for your birthday, go to birthverse.com.


While I was pregnant with Calvin, I felt such a sense of purpose and meaning. I had begun to lose my sense of self; I felt like I was wandering. My son became my reason—I knew I was meant to be a mother, that I was meant to be this baby’s mother. And I believed he was going to save me, and help me find myself again.

Then he died before being born. And I didn’t know how I could go on living. I couldn’t fathom why or how I was still surviving, breathing (sometimes I still wonder at how I am able to function, at how I get through each day). I wanted to be dead. I did not want to kill myself, but I’d be lying if I said I never thought about dying.

Then, I realized (and am still realizing), that even in losing him, Calvin has saved me.

I feel more certain of myself and my values, and am less willing to compromise myself in ways that undervalue, undermine, or disrespect me, my faith, the grief Louie and I are experiencing, and the decisions we make for ourselves.

I have more conviction.

I want to do good and be a better person. I want Calvin to be proud of his mommy as he watches us from Heaven.

Because of my son, I have also been drawn closer to God and have grown closer to Louie.

And I am so grateful.

Thank you, Calvin, for blessing me in so many ways during your short time on earth. And thank you for the tiny rainbow you showed me yesterday. I love you. Daddy loves you. Happy 7 months in heaven, baby boy.

crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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