Tuesday, November 24, 2020
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Three babies in heaven

Even as I write this, I am praying that the doctor is wrong, that the ultrasound is wrong, that my baby lives. I know that if it is His will, He can still breathe life into this tiny being I still carry in my womb.

On the morning before my birthday, February 25th, I found out I was pregnant with baby number three, who we’ve been calling Gaelen (which means “calm”). I emailed my RE’s nurse and got my first beta hcg: 464. It was lower than what they would expect based on my last period, but I had stopped ovulating in November/December and my cycles were off. The following Monday, my level was at 1,273.

I scheduled my first u/s on Monday, 3/7, just a couple days after Calvin’s birthday. The RE said the sac measured about 5 weeks, but because she saw a yolk and possibly the fetal pole, she said I was probably 5w6d, and that she wanted me to come back in a week, because we should see a heartbeat by then. I asked for a copy of the ultrasound. I didn’t care if it was too early to determine viability.

Today was our second u/s. There was no heartbeat. The RE said it doesn’t look like the pregnancy is viable. I covered my eyes and cried as she finished the ultrasound, Louie stood by me and stroked my hair.

As we walked toward the car, Louie said, It always rains when we lose our babies.

I don’t know why this is happening to us again. I don’t know why I’ve been peeing so much and having food aversions and nausea and feeling so tired and experiencing all of the other symptoms of pregnancy if our baby is not alive.

As we sat on the couch, Louie started researching on the Internet trying to find some hope. Stories of no heartbeat and D&C’s stopped by a final ultrasound that ended with a living child. I’m not ready to make a third sculpture, he told me. I’m not ready to let Gaelen go, either.

Calvin was my sunshine. Rainbow was my hope. Gaelen was supposed to be my peace. But I wonder if the anxiety and terror I’ve felt since learning of this pregnancy caused Gaelen to leave us. I wonder if the violent coughing from being sick hurt the baby. I wonder if the grief during Calvin’s anniversary was too much.

This weekend, I told Louie that I wanted to buy something for Gaelen. A symbol that I believe we would take this baby home. An offering to show we wanted this baby to live. I chose a set of receiving blankets, partly because if we were to lose this one like we lost Calvin, we could still use it. Maybe that was my mistake—not fulling committing.

A few nights ago, I dreamed of Mama, my grandmother. She came back from the dead. She placed her hand on my belly (like she had done with Calvin), and said This one’s a boy (just like with Calvin). I gestured toward my mother and sister who were on the couch and said, I haven’t told them. She acknowledged what I said. Was that her taking Gaelen to be with big brother and big sister? A couple days ago, Louie saw an old woman driving a cadillac with a little boy and a baby in a carseat. He said it made him think of Mama driving Calvin and Rainbow around. Was that her coming to pick up Gaelen, too?

My heart’s true desire is for Gaelen to be our earth baby. When Father Kinane took my head in his hands and prayed over me and my baby after Mass on Sunday, I felt held and protected. The rest of the world and my fears dissipated. I thought that maybe this was a sign that our baby would get to come home, alive, breathing, crying, pooping.

I don’t know how God plans to use our third child. I don’t know if this baby will be the one to show His glory through living despite being called a “missed abortion,” or if this baby will be used to glorify Him through loss, as Calvin and Rainbow have done. I would love to come back and say that Gaelen was our miracle baby, but ALL THREE of my babies are miracles, whether they live on earth or on heaven.

Will you please pray for us? Will you pray for our hearts? Will you pray that we continue to feel His grace and love? That we continue to seek the path He has set before us?

Will you pray for Louie? For that heartache he carries for our babies and for me? He told me that he will never forget how I looked on the table, as I was getting the ultrasound. He said I looked so worried. He said that when she said the pregnancy wasn’t viable, he watched me nod then cover my eyes as I cried, and that he wished things were different.

Will you pray for me? That I can be the wife Louie needs? That I can still be a good mother to my babies, even if they live apart from me?

Will you pray for Gaelen? Will you pray for a miracle, for life where there seems to be no more? Will you pray that whatever His will is, that we continue to remember God is good?

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “Three babies in heaven

  1. My heart just breaks for you.

    But I want you to understand this is not your fault . You don’t have a miscarriage because you coughed too much, and you didn’t lose this baby because you bought receiving blankets. I don’t understand why these things happen. But I do know what doesn’t cause them, and it’s not you. Please don’t blame yourself.

    Hugs to you.

  2. Crystal,
    We are praying for you, your husband and little Gaelen. Please know that you did nothing wrong–I think we all feel guilt no matter what happens.

  3. I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and offering your support to my wife. I’m sorry for the pain from the losses you’ve experienced as well. We feel at such a loss at this point, scrambling, looking for hope as our hearts bleed. I hope that the lord will spare our son, because I know my wife. She is a beautiful person. A beautiful mother. She is deserving. Thank you for being there for Crystal, it means so much to me.

  4. I stumbled randomly upon your blog and wanted to say I am so sorry, and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Praying for a Miracle. <3

  5. My heart cries out for what you are enduring. You and baby Gaelen and Louie will certainly be at the top of my prayer list. God can choose to turn this around and I pray so much that he does. I’ve seen Him work miracles like this before so I have faith it can be done. Keep faith and never let go, even if He answers differently than what you want. Im sorry you have to go thru this. My love to you <3

  6. Just prayed for you with tears streaming down..I really want to meet you and be there even if we just cry together.. God knows the very # of tears you have shed and He knows your pain..

  7. Crystal & Louie – I WILL be praying for you, for all of these requests. I know you want a child on earth so badly – i want it for you, too. I will pray for a miracle! May God work wonders in your body and reveal a living child.

  8. I’m praying so very hard my sweet friend.
    Dear God ,
    Knowing that in everything you do good , please watch over Baby Gaelen. Please work a miracle to let this baby live. Please be with them in the days to come.
    In Jesus Precious name I pray
    Love you both & know I’m holding you close to my heart always.

  9. Oh my sweet friend…praying and aching with and for you both tonight. Please Lord, work a miracle, and breathe your life into baby Gaelen. We trust you and we know you are able to work miracles. We have seen miracles with your hand. Not every test is accurate. Lord, please cover this family with your love and your strength no matter what awaits them…a miracle on Earth or one in heaven. Comfort and carry them.

    And…Crystal, please know that no matter what happens, you did not cause any harm to your baby with your grief or your illness. Please know that.

    Love and prayers for you and Louie….

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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