Be strong. Don’t cry. You should be happy. He wouldn’t want to see you like this. Don’t let him see you like this. Don’t cry. He’s in a better place. You should be happy. You’re lucky. Just try again. Continue Reading »
R is for Regrets (I really, really want a redo)
There was a point where, every single night, I would have trouble falling asleep because I was re-living the day Calvin was born and trying to make it right in my head over and over. I would imagine Continue Reading »
Q is for Questions (and no good answers)
I have been struggling to write this post for a while now. I've been writing it over and over in my notebook, then drawing big X's over the words, because I just couldn't get it to feel right. There Continue Reading »
P is for Powerless (A difficult truth)
I'm trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that's why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that Continue Reading »
O is for Other (This loss made me an alien)
I have never felt more alone as I did after I lost my first child. Even among people whom I loved, whom I trusted, who knew me, I felt awkward, strange, disoriented. I would often find myself sitting Continue Reading »
N is for their Names (One way of knowing)
A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it's a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and Continue Reading »
M is for Mother (Do I count?)
One of my husband's aunts came to visit us in the hospital after Calvin was born. I was in pain still, and I had difficulty getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. She made a comment to my Continue Reading »
L is for Longing (The permanent ache)
Time has not healed me. Time will not heal me. Yes, I believe I am healing, but there is a difference between healing and healed. The first is a process; the second is an end that I will not reach Continue Reading »
