Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Home > Faith > Written in weakness –

Written in weakness –

(a letter of desperation while counting down the months to infertility)

Dear God,

Thank you for blessing us with our two babies.
I love them with all my heart.
I know that, with You, they are safe and happy and whole.

But –

(And I know that I am selfish. That I am a sinner. That I am unworthy.) –

If it is Your will,
Lord, please bless us again with new life, please bless us with more babies –
babies who will live, who will grow – who will
stay.

And if we cannot have more
than one, God, may we have just one – One earth baby
to keep –
one child who is healthy and who lives?

Or – if we cannot have a child who is perfectly
healthy – Lord, may we, please, have one who (at least) survives
and still stays?

And – if this child cannot live –
Lord, may we (at least) be allowed
to watch and wonder at our baby’s first breath – and
to know the sweetness of our baby’s voice in his or her first cry – and
to look with awe into his or her open eyes – just

a few precious moments to lock
into our tender hearts before losing –
before saying goodbye to – another piece of ourselves and each other?

And, Lord – if we cannot have a child who is born (at least) alive –
may we (at least) know what it is to have
a pregnancy that lasts –
and may I carry our baby to term?

Or – if not a full-term pregnancy – God, may we (at least) have our baby
until the third trimester?

And if not that far, far enough
along – at least – so that I can deliver my still and silent
baby into this world – so that we may hold
our child, so that we may know the weight
of this life who was (and who continues with You)?

And, Lord, God, – if not (at least) that – how about just
another pregnancy? A flickering –
a glimpse –
of hope; may we – at least (which, I know, really is
at most) – have the promise
of a reunion in heaven where I will meet and know
who that life was meant to be
and what that life was meant to do?

And, if none
of those, then, Lord – unworthy as I know I am – please lift this longing away
from me. And just

give me
early-onset menopause –
so that I’m not

crushed

month after month after month after month after month after month after month after month after month.

Amen.

crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “Written in weakness –

  1. Mom and Dad loves you too so much that we find our selves so helpless to console what you are feeling at every moment. We pray with you every minute,every hour that He will grant that which is the best for the both of you, for only He knows. But towards the end of the day and with each dawn, you have what not so many people have…Your deep caring Love for one another as soulmates..Louie and You.

  2. Wow…what a beautiful and touching letter. I am hoping that God grants you some of your wishes soon…whatever they may be. I am hoping for the best for you….always.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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