Friday, November 22, 2019
Home > My Babies > Gaelen Evangeline > J is for Jolt (What it feels like to know it’s over)

J is for Jolt (What it feels like to know it’s over)

The natural progression of matter is from order into chaos. Aromas born of a carefully crafted medley of herb, spice, and sustenance, for example, only reach our nostrils through the random dispersion of molecules into the air. Carefully architectured buildings crumble and fall as they are beaten to ruins by swells of salty water. Life moves towards decay, towards breaking into pieces that continue to degrade until their smallest form has been reached. It’s a slow, sad, bittersweet, and romantic progression.

J is for JoltLosing my babies were none of those things. Each time I learned the child I carried was gone, my world fell apart and the chasm between my existence and the natural disorder of life split even further. This isn’t one of those Greek tragedies in which you see death coming, in which heartbreak is cathartic and welcome even. No. Baby loss is a jolt to the system: a sudden, jarring impact, a psychological disturbance that causes loss of composure, as if you were hit hard by something looming and heavy[1].

Even when I knew the possibility of death for Calvin, even while the tastes and smells of fear permeated my pregnancies with Rainbow and Gaelen, I hoped and dreamed and planned to take each of my babies home. And each time, the answer was a crushing No from which recover is slow and excruciating.

What about you, when you’ve lost somebody?

Whether it is through death, physical separation, or the end of relationship, how did it affect you? What did it feel it the moment you found out things were over?

1References: Princeton WordNet, Mountain City Elementary.

This post is a part of a series called Unpacking Grief, which I began as part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge.

crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “J is for Jolt (What it feels like to know it’s over)

  1. Losing anybody is traumatic I’m sure. Are we ever ready to let go of our loved ones? I lost my mom when I was eleven but the traumatic part of losing my daughter was the responsibility I felt as her mom. Everything I believed about life and God blew apart when I lost my baby. Your writing is so eloquent – hope you can publish a “book” one day (:

  2. Disbelief. That is what I felt. Someone in my birth club had just has a stillbirth, and I read her story that morning the day I went into the hospital and lost Brenna. I remember reading her story and feeling so bad for her, but it never even crossed my mind that it would happen to me. When it did I couldn’t believe it.

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