Wednesday, September 30, 2020
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The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A Joyful Pain

How mysterious are the ways of the Lord, that the most painful day of our lives was followed by the most fulfilling.

March 4, 2009: This was by far the worst day of our lives, when we learned of Calvin’s death and the need to take him from my body.

March 5, 2009: After induced labor, I delivered Calvin into this world. For a few hours, we were able to be parents to our first born son. We were able to hold him, rock him, speak to him, sing to him… to love on our son outside of my belly.

So it continues with yesterday and today.

August 4, 2009: Calvin’s due date is also exactly 5 months after learning he was lost to us in this world. With renewed pain, we were reminded of the reality of this life without him.

But with the aching on his due date also comes today —

August 5, 2009: Calvin’s 5 months in Heaven. Through the tears and aching of his passed due date, Louie and I can still hold onto March 5th, our son’s heavenly birthday. We can still remember the joy and peace that came with holding him in our arms for those brief hours.

And, yes, it is worth it.

My son was and will forever be worth this sorrow and heartache – and any more suffering our grief will bring. It is through Calvin Phoenix that we’ve learned our capacity to love. It is because of Calvin that we know what it is to be held by the Father. Through this beautiful baby, we are learning to have faith even in sorrow.

Calvin photos

Happy 5 months, Calvin Phoenix — Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you so much!

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “The 5th Belongs to Calvin: A Joyful Pain

  1. It is so worth it, isn’t it?…I carried my sweet boy for 4 months and I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant more time with him. I miss him terribly. We seem to be walking a similar path of grief…it was 5 months ago, today that we said goodbye to Marcus and his due date is in two weeks. I’ve commented on here once before and just wanted to thank you again for sharing your heart and also the life of Calvin Phoenix. He is remembered…

    1. Monica, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone on this walk, though it does sadden me to know you had to say goodbye to Marcus much too soon than most parents could ever imagine. I feel the same way – I would do this all over again, carry him again, and relive the hardest parts of grieving. All this aching, this constant cycling through grief, *is* worth it all. You’re in my thoughts, as is Marcus Leigh.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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