On Thursday, I went to the doctor for abnormal bleeding. I’ve been spotting/bleeding almost every day of December. I dread going to the ob-gyn, especially when it’s a new doctor, because it puts me in a weird place. He asked me why I was induced at 18 weeks, and as I told him it was because the baby died, I started crying. He said he was sorry, handed me a tissue, and kind of just stood there. It was nice. It was also comforting when he said that losing a pregnancy is very common, but no one ever talks about, that women talk about everything but that. Then he said except us, as he gestured toward himself; our doctors talk about it and they see it with their patients. I thought about the baby loss community, about the online support groups, and how proud I am to a part of the movement to break the silence over miscarriage and baby loss.
He also told me I’ve waited long enough and that I should talk to my regular doctor again about seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. It’s been over two years since Louie and I decided to grow our family. It’s been over one year since I was last pregnant. When I saw the NP at Kaiser, she said that they usually wait for a year of trying before making any referrals to a specialist. With the end of 2009, I have met that “waiting period.” One year of trying to conceive without success, and we are at the cusp of infertility after losing two babies. That is a fact. I don’t need to be told to relax. I don’t need to be told at least you got pregnant. I don’t need to be told you will have a baby. Things are what they are, nothing more, nothing less.
To be honest, I’m glad that this year is finally hear, and I have the “go ahead” to pursue more testing and, if needed, additional intervention… especially after this past cycle, which has got me wondering. This long-lasting spotting, my lack of ovulation in December (the only times I’ve been anovulatory was after losing Calvin and Rainbow), my longer-than usual luteal phase in November (I didn’t test because my temps didn’t stay high enough and I was scared of the implications of a positive), the heavy period and backpain I had with it, plus the lack of any ovarian cysts during the doctor’s examination. I think I may have had a really early loss – a chemical pregnancy – and I don’t know what to do with that. It’s something that I’ve been wondering about, but haven’t said aloud until today. Louie told me he was wondering the same thing. I’m trying not to dwell on this possibility. Instead, I want to focus on where to go from here, on the hope of finding some answers, and gaining some direction. And in all of this, I’m just trying to rest in God’s grace and the plans He has yet to reveal to me and Louie when comes to the size of our family.