Saturday, August 8, 2020
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > I’m Not the Only One Who “Needs Help”

I’m Not the Only One Who “Needs Help”

Someone who I desperately need to understand (because of this person’s significance in my life), believes that because I lost Calvin so early in his life, my pain is easier compared to someone who lost a child later in life or to someone who lost a parent… that less time equals less pain, that having more time to build a relationship is worse, and that this is how it is for people “in general.” This weighs so heavily on me and hurts me so deeply that thinking about it makes cry all over again.

I wonder if people stop and think about everything that Louie and I have lost. I wonder if people realize that when Calvin died, part of each of us died with him – both literally, because he was made from us, and figuratively, because the lives for which we had been preparing was brought to an abrupt ending. Our dreams. Our plans. Those don’t just disappear into nothing. Those wishes are still here. But they have just become impossible for our life on earth with Calvin.

A friend recently said that it’s difficult for those around me to understand because they haven’t gone through a similar experience. I thank God for that, I really do. I would never wish this on anyone else. What I do wish is that people would stop making assumptions or superimposing their own beliefs on how I should be grieving, how much I am allowed to grieve, and when I should be “over it.”

Someone in my support group mentioned the need to educate people on what I am going through. So this is my request for anyone out there who may know – are there any resources (books, articles, videos, slideshows, pamphlets) – that I can give to people who could use more insight into my grieving? Does “Why Your Loved One Is Not Over Their Dead 2nd Trimester Baby?” exist? Because, I don’t think I’m the only one who “needs help.” (I am getting help, by the way – Louie and I joined a support group at UCSF, and I’ve bought 4 or so books. So shouldn’t others get help, as well?)

Thank you in advanced.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “I’m Not the Only One Who “Needs Help”

  1. One of my best friends was suppose to have twins, and they lost one of them 2 months before they were suppose to give birth. It was a very tough time for them, and I could really feel their pain. I know I never told u guys, but I’m sorry for wut u guys r going through, and I want u to know that I love all three of u, and ur in my prayers.

    God bless

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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