Someone who I desperately need to understand (because of this person’s significance in my life), believes that because I lost Calvin so early in his life, my pain is easier compared to someone who lost a child later in life or to someone who lost a parent… that less time equals less pain, that having more time to build a relationship is worse, and that this is how it is for people “in general.” This weighs so heavily on me and hurts me so deeply that thinking about it makes cry all over again.
I wonder if people stop and think about everything that Louie and I have lost. I wonder if people realize that when Calvin died, part of each of us died with him – both literally, because he was made from us, and figuratively, because the lives for which we had been preparing was brought to an abrupt ending. Our dreams. Our plans. Those don’t just disappear into nothing. Those wishes are still here. But they have just become impossible for our life on earth with Calvin.
A friend recently said that it’s difficult for those around me to understand because they haven’t gone through a similar experience. I thank God for that, I really do. I would never wish this on anyone else. What I do wish is that people would stop making assumptions or superimposing their own beliefs on how I should be grieving, how much I am allowed to grieve, and when I should be “over it.”
Someone in my support group mentioned the need to educate people on what I am going through. So this is my request for anyone out there who may know – are there any resources (books, articles, videos, slideshows, pamphlets) – that I can give to people who could use more insight into my grieving? Does “Why Your Loved One Is Not Over Their Dead 2nd Trimester Baby?” exist? Because, I don’t think I’m the only one who “needs help.” (I am getting help, by the way – Louie and I joined a support group at UCSF, and I’ve bought 4 or so books. So shouldn’t others get help, as well?)
Thank you in advanced.