Monday, November 11, 2019
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Tearful, Empty-Armed, Hurting Praise

“Walking With You” was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child.

Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To learn more and/or to join, please visit Walking with You.

Praising God – Let’s take some time praising God for who He is, because no matter what we may be facing, our circumstances cannot change our steadfast, mighty, unchangeable God. If you would like some ideas on attributes of God, please click here: Moms in Touch website Attributes of God list.



Angie at Bring the Rain and her husband, Todd, who is a singer in Selah, wrote the following song for their daughter, Audrey Caroline, who received a fatal diagnosis at Angie’s 20 week ultrasound. They chose to put their faith and their daughter’s life in God’s hand and continued with the pregnancy. Audrey was delivered and when home to God on April 7, 2008.

I have been playing this song over and over, crying both tears of sorrow and of love. The past few weeks have been difficult for me, and I’ve found myself feeling more lost, more sad, and more exhausted (physically, spiritually, emotionally) than I have been in a while. I know part of it is because we lost our Rainbow Baby. I know part of it is my body having to readjust after the miscarriage and the needs for hormones to balance out. Part of it is also because of all the milestones that have just passed and that are fast approaching.

Did I ever tell you that I miscarried Rainbow on the same date I first saw Calvin’s heartbeat? Or that I found out we were pregnant again during Thanksgiving week (the same week we found out about Calvin)? Last Thursday, January 28, was the anniversary of when we first heard Calvin’s heartbeat on the doppler. January 29th was when we found out about amniotic band syndrome. That next day was by a Level II ultrasound that confirmed 3 amniotic bands; that was also the day Louie and I chose life for our son. Next month with be 1 year since we lost him. And I don’t understand how I got here. How Louie and I have managed to survive these past 11 months without our son, without our second child.

Much of the anger has left me… not all. A great deal of the shock has left as well, though some of it remains. And I’m left with the same raw aching for my children. My arms have been feeling so empty lately. I find myself waking up and reaching for something to hold. Not my husband. Something smaller. Something unreachable. So I settle for a folded up pillow or one of the stuffed animals we bought for Calvin. Sometimes I reach out and lay a few fingers on his urn. Lately the tears have been just under the surface, and I’ve been holding them down. Maybe for fear that they will never cease? Tonight though, listening to I Will Carry You, the tears have finally fallen and flowed freely. And I think I’m starting to feel a little better.

These lyrics (which I’ve copied below) express much of what is in my heart. Lately, these words: People say that I am brave but I’m not / Truth is I’m barely hanging on, have been feeling especially true. But as I listened to the song again and again, these started to hold more power for me: And I will praise the One whose chosen me / To carry you. It is easy to praise Him when things are good. It is easy to get angry with Him and even turn away from Him when things are bad. But I can’t forget that the devastation I feel is born out of a greater good that I would never wish away. I do not regret my pregnancies. I do not regret choosing to continue with my pregnancy after learning the risks of amniotic bands. Just as God chose me to carry Calvin and Rainbow on this earth, I chose to give life to my children. And although I feel like I failed to keep life for them, I stand by that choice.

So I will Praise Him

God is our shelter and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble
So we will not be afraid even if the earth is shaken
and mountains fall into the ocean depths;
even if the seas roar and rage,
and the hills are shaken by the violence.

There is a river that brings joy to the city of God,
to the sacred house of the Most High.
God is in that city, and it will never be destroyed;
at early dawn he will come to its aid.
Nations are terrified, kingdoms are shaken;
God thunders, and the earth dissolves.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Psalms 46: 1-7

I praise you, Lord God, because your are are always with me. In times of joy and of despair. In times of heartache and of happiness. Whether I am clinging to my sorrows and unwilling to give them up or laying my burdens down at the foot of the cross, you are there. You are with me. You are with my husband. You are with my children. Lord, you are everywhere, in all places, at all times, and I praise You.

Ever present, You are the God who gives and who takes away, and in all things you are steadfast. You are the same, unchanging, immutable. You are the same God when I hope and when I despair. So, I praise You, Lord, when you bless me, and I praise You when you afflict me.

I thank You, Lord, for allowing this grief into my life. That pain is born out of the love for my children and has softened my heart. In this weakness I am learning to rely on You, to lean on You, Lord, who is always at my side. I praise You for your faithfulness. I am learning to reach for You. Even when doubt starts to set in, I choose to trust in Your grace and Your mercy. Even in my sadness, I will praise You, because I know You can and You will heal me. Glory unto you, Lord God, in whom my weary soul will find comfort and peace.

Amen.


Lyrics to I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]

(Todd Smith, Angie Smith, Christa Wells) © 2009 Curb Congregation Songs (SESAC) / Five Crowns Music (adm. by Curb Congregation Songs) (SESAC)/ _ / Shoecrazy Publishing (admin. by Curb Congregation Songs) (SESAC)/ Kiss Me Not Publishing (admin. by Curb Congregation Songs) (SESAC) All rights reserved.


crystal
Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “Tearful, Empty-Armed, Hurting Praise

  1. Crystal, its Jessica from the TTC after 2/3rd trimester loss board. I love Audrey’s song. Its so beautiful. You are right…some days it is easier to praise our God then others, but what is so great about our God is that he is an understanding God. He understands that some days we may not be happy with him. He loves us unconditionally.

  2. I love that song. I listened to it so often after Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis and I still love it. It makes me cry! I agree, it’s so easy to praise Him when things are good.

  3. I love that song. I listened to it so often after Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis and I still love it. It makes me cry! I agree, it’s so easy to praise Him when things are good.

  4. Crystal, thank you for sharing your heart. You speak for so many of us who bear the same pain. I’ve never heard that song. I am kind of afraid to listen, I am afraid that I won’t be able to stop the tears. Maybe one day…thanks again for your beautiful expression of grief.

  5. Crystal, thank you for sharing your heart. You speak for so many of us who bear the same pain. I’ve never heard that song. I am kind of afraid to listen, I am afraid that I won’t be able to stop the tears. Maybe one day…thanks again for your beautiful expression of grief.

  6. Wow I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. It still feels recent & raw. I miss Calvin just as much today as when you first told us you were pregnant. I love you, Louie, Calvin & Rainbow very much!

  7. Wow I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. It still feels recent & raw. I miss Calvin just as much today as when you first told us you were pregnant. I love you, Louie, Calvin & Rainbow very much!

  8. Oh, I am hugging you from here. I am so sorry you’re going through all of this pain again, when you deserve so much happiness. Hugs to you.

  9. Oh, I am hugging you from here. I am so sorry you’re going through all of this pain again, when you deserve so much happiness. Hugs to you.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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