On Thursday, I had the NT scan with Bumble Bee. It was at the same place where I had my first ultrasounds with you, where I first saw and heard your heartbeat, where they told me they found amniotic bands during your NT ultrasound, and where the doctor told me that we’d lost you. It was also the same tech from the first ultrasound, and she started your NT scan, as well. I thought about you as I saw your baby sibling on the screen. I noticed the differences in your head shape and size—your head was bigger—and how Bumble Bee’s nose was more upturned than yours. I also noticed the similarities: How you both didn’t want to cooperate with this same tech and how you stretched and refused to turn.
Your baby brother or sister had a normal nuchal translucency measurement, with negative results on the screening. They told us that everything looked good. It was so different from our appointment with you, and as your mommy, it’s hard to not wish things turned out differently for you, that there weren’t amniotic bands threatening you, that the test results came back normal, that you could be here (that you, Rainbow, and Gaelen could be here) waiting to welcome Bumble. I know that’s not possible, but I miss you, all of you.
We love you so much, sweet boy. Happy 33 months in heaven, Calvin Phoenix.