Monday, October 26, 2020
Home > My Babies > Calvin Phoenix > The 5th Belongs to Calvin: The Space Between Us

The 5th Belongs to Calvin: The Space Between Us

The Calvin Phoenix Photo Project
Photo of the Month: CalvinE and Crystal Hill

Calvin and Crystal will meet on a hill when the chains reconnect.

These photos were taken by Louie’s cousins, Abby, Irene, and Alyssa. There is a street called Calvine in Sacramento, and they kept driving around until they could find an intersection at which they could take a picture. They ended up at Calvine and Crystal Hill. :). Thanks so much for these pictures, cousins!

If you would like to contribute a picture for Calvin Phoenix, please read about the Calvin Phoenix Photo Project.

The Space Between Us

In this The 5th Belong to Calvin post, I want to speak of what it’s like for me to be Mommy to a child who lives in Heaven. One of the most painful things about losing Calvin is losing the chance to parent him, to change his diapers, to help him take his first steps, to rock him to sleep, and blow raspberries on his tummy. What some don’t realize is that losing Calvin includes losing part of myself, losing part of Louie; it includes the loss of our hopes and dreams for him; it includes the loss of the future we had planned; and it also includes the loss of parenthood in a way that leaves my arms empty and aching.

In those first nights after coming home from the hospital with a memory box instead of my baby in my arms, the only way I could find peace enough to sleep through the tears was by leaving a space between me and Louie. That space belonged to Calvin. It was our way of letting him know that even though he was free to view the wonders of God’s creation, that his home is in Heaven, he still had a place here on earth. I’m sure it was more for us than for him, to feel like we could do something for our son, even when we couldn’t physically touch him. And in those moments between crying and sleep, I felt his presence and was able to find comfort and rest.

It may seem weird, at first, to hear that Calvin has created a space between me and Louie. But he is the perfect expression of our love. He is both a part of me and a part of Louie and connects us in the most powerful of ways. I feel so blessed by this.

Happy 9 months in Heaven, my sweet Calvin Phoenix! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, and we love you more than ever.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

0 thoughts on “The 5th Belongs to Calvin: The Space Between Us

  1. It is painful not having the chance to do the many things that parents do for their children. Now those moments only include taking care of her grave.

    Happy 9 months Calvin.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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