I have never felt more alone as I did after I lost my first child. Even among people whom I loved, whom I trusted, who knew me, I felt awkward, strange, disoriented. I would often find myself sitting Continue Reading »
The 5th Belongs to Calvin – Right Where I Am: 822 Days
822 days = 19,728 hours = 27 months = 1,183,680 minutes = 2.25 years = 71,020,800 seconds. That's how long I've been without my son. That's how long it's been since I delivered Calvin into this world Continue Reading »
N is for their Names (One way of knowing)
A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it's a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and Continue Reading »
M is for Mother (Do I count?)
One of my husband's aunts came to visit us in the hospital after Calvin was born. I was in pain still, and I had difficulty getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. She made a comment to my Continue Reading »
L is for Longing (The permanent ache)
Time has not healed me. Time will not heal me. Yes, I believe I am healing, but there is a difference between healing and healed. The first is a process; the second is an end that I will not reach Continue Reading »
Something for Calvin and something for Charlie
Something for Calvin Three years ago, I sewed this cap and blanket from a pillow case. It was the pillow case Louie used when we were in the hospital to deliver Calvin. I remember sitting in my Continue Reading »
The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Calvin Loves Kimora (updates below)
This month's 5th is dedicated to Calvin's cousin, Kimora Michaela, who was born two months after Calvin's first birthday. One year ago, I posted about Kimora and her family: first to ask for Continue Reading »
Happy Easter Calvin Phoenix, Rainbow Baby, and Gaelen Evangeline
It's still hard to believe that I haven't been able to celebrate Easter on earth with any of my children. We lost both Calvin and Gaelen during Lent and Rainbow just before Christmas. It's Calvin's Continue Reading »
