Calvin, Rainbow, Gaelen, and Pixel — I feel your absence more acutely when the sky is filled with white and the air smells cold and heavy. I miss you most in the moments before rain. Continue Reading »
Capture Your Grief – Day 12: Music
"All of Me" is one of those songs that just overcomes me. It sums up how I feel about every one of my children — how I felt when I learned of Calvin's amniotic band syndrome and then held him Continue Reading »
Capture Your Grief – Day 11: Altar
The spaces of our home are filled with the presence of all of our babies. Capture Your Grief is an annual, 31-day mindful healing project that consists of photography and reflection. It is for Continue Reading »
Capture Your Grief – Day 9: In Memory
I started Calvin's Cupcakes in memory of my first son Calvin Phoenix. It has been such a humbling honor to abide with other families who have experienced child loss, to share part of their stories, Continue Reading »
Capture Your Grief – Day 2: Heart
Because I cannot hold them in my arms, I carry them in my heart: Calvin Phoenix (03.05.2009) Rainbow (12.10.2009) Gaelen Evangeline (03.24.2011) Pixel Clementine (11.27.2013) Capture Your Continue Reading »
Capture Your Grief – Day 1: Sunrise
6:56am, San Francisco, CA at sunrise grey overwhelms blue the light fades into mourning wet fog surrounds me I wrote my first version of this poem, "each morning," about two months after Continue Reading »
The Spaces of Missing
This is Louie holding our first baby, Calvin Phoenix, after he was stillborn in 2009. This is Louie holding our fourth and only living baby, Charlie Bastian, after his birth in 2012. It’s not often Continue Reading »
For My Pixel in Heaven
I never came into this space — my sacred space — to share that I had gotten pregnant again. That I had lost a baby again. That for a very short while, I carried a baby girl, whose formation was Continue Reading »
