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Between Love and Fear

Between Love and Fear

Three Postive HPTsProject Pee-a-thon ended with very much wanted results for me and Louie, and we held onto the high of congratulations, support, encouragement, and prayers for days. We told ourselves we would enjoy this blessing and hold onto the joy. I promised myself I wouldn’t get caught up in the fear and worry and just love every day that I have our little Bumble Bee growing inside me. But things started snowballing. And as I tried to keep the anxiety at bay, it all piled up and knocked me spiraling down into a place where I was practically convinced it was over, that I was just setting myself up for disappointment, and that I was foolish to ever believe I could bring this baby home. Not a good place to be, is it?

I’m teetering on the threshold between love and fear, and I need to find the place of perfect love, the love that will drive out all fear (John 4:18), the love I felt as my heart expanded to hold another child. So I’m pulling out all the stops: prayer, guided imagery, affirmations, mantras, and—most important and most difficult—surrender.

Right now, I’m reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson (recommended to me by Elisabeth Manning), and I’m starting to understand what it means to let go and let God:

When we surrender to God, we surrender to something bigger than ourselves—to a universe that knows what it’s doing. When stop trying to control events, they fall into a natural order, an order that works. We’re at rest while a power much greater than our own takes over, and it does a much better job than we could have done. We learn to trust that the power that holds galaxies together can handle the circumstances of our relatively little lives (56).

Part of doing that is trusting that I am held and that, in the greater scheme of the universe, my and baby and I are safe no matter what happens. The other part is recognizing that the fears will come, and I need to acknowledge these emotions so they can move through me, instead of trying to wall them up and letting them rot inside me.

I’m teetering on the threshold between love and fear, and though I know it’s impossible to feel completely confident in this pregnancy, I want to leap towards love.


Between: NaBloPoMo October 2011 This post is part of the NaBloPoMo daily blogging challenge. The theme for this month is “Between,” which goes perfectly with how I’ve been feeling and where I find myself: between hope and despair, between love and fear, between trying to conceive and holding a living child in my arms.

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  1. Sarita Boyette says:

    My mother once told me that the elderly African – American women in our east Texas community referred to pregnancy as “traveling.” That is so true – it is a journey of ups & downs, a journey that we may not know what may be around the bend. And I know the Lord will be with you on your journey. I continue to pray that your trip will be an awesome one, ending with a beautiful beginning of a new life to raise. xoxo

  2. You are in a tough spot, but I think you are on the right track with you thinking. That is all you can do. For what it’s worth, I think this time next year you are going to be holding a baby in your arms. I just have a feeling.

  3. Natasha says:

    Congratulations Crystal!!!!! So very happy for you! Glad Project Pee-A-Thon went so well!!!

    It’s so hard to let go and let God sometimes, but it’s really the only way I’ve been able to get through being pregnant after losing Aiden. You really have to believe that God is holding you and the baby in His arms- and He is 🙂

    It’s not an easy road but I know the ending will be so worth it. Congrats again!!!!

    xoxo

  4. Caroline says:

    Oh I’m so so so so so so excited for you both.
    Praying super hard & so many postive thoughts.
    Love you friend !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Beautiful post !!

  5. Franchesca says:

    Crystal!!!!! I am SOOOO happy for you 🙂 “and though I know it’s impossible to feel completely confident in this pregnancy, I want to leap towards love.” LOVE this!!!! Praying for you and your sweet baby on the way!!!

    XOXOXO

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