Saturday, August 8, 2020
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Dreams and Fears

I’ve had two dreams about giving birth to a dead baby.

I’m in the hospital, and I know it’s a different place and time. I remember pushing and laboring, then passing out. I have flashes of them wrapping the baby up in a yellow receiving blanket. Louie is with me when I come to, and the baby is gone. When I ask Louie if he asked to see our baby, he tells me that they took the baby before he had the chance.

I remember feeling like I was going to lose it because we didn’t get to hold our baby. I remember feeling lost and confused because we couldn’t confirm whether we had a boy or a girl, and I didn’t know which baby this was. It’s really, really odd, but I felt like I knew who my children were — I just needed to know which of my babies I had delivered. And I don’t know why, but I know the baby in my dreams was not Calvin, but one of our daughters.

I know these dreams are a mash up of my experiences and my fears. But before I had Calvin, when I dreamed of my and Louie’s child, our baby was always a boy. That’s how I knew (coupled with the dream in which Mama – my grandmother who moved on from earth into Heaven in 2003 – felt my pregnant belly and told me I was having a boy a couple months into my pregnancy). And then there was also the dream a few years back in which my pregnancy just disappeared, which I wrote about here: Did my body already know?.

So now, after these dreams, I can’t help but feel scared of what will happen should I become pregnant again. I know it’s in God’s hands, and whether He chooses to bless us with another child, and whether He chooses to take this child sooner than later… I have to lay these fears at His feet. And it’s so much easier said than done.

Crystal is a mother-wife-writer whose explorations include parenting, grief, food, and semi-crunchy living. She is currently an MFA in writing student, a content editor for Still Standing Magazine, and the technical editor for Switchback.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

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