I am the furthest I have ever been in pregnancy, carrying your baby brother or sister. Today, I am 18 weeks and 3 days. I delivered you at 18 weeks and 1 day. Although you did not come out of my womb alive, although you were born two weeks shy of the commonly accepted definition of stillbirth, you were born, silent and loved and wanted. Out of my womb, I delivered you on a Thursday morning, with your daddy by my side and tears spilling from both of our eyes.
We are so grateful to have Bumble Bee growing inside me, but this new baby does not replace you, does not replace Rainbow, does not replace Gaelen. Each pregnancy is it’s own blessing, the creation of a new, separate, and individual soul for us to love and cherish. As I learned of each new life, my heart grew and created a unique space for my next child. And when we lost you and Rainbow and Gaelen, these spaces—your spaces—in my heart remained; they will only be filled when we are all together again.
We pray and hope that baby number four will be born alive and well. We look forward, with cautious optimism, to bringing Bumble Bee home and parenting him or her the way were unable to parent you and your sisters. I know people will look at us and assume Bumble is our first child, our only child, even those who know that I was pregnant three times before. This doesn’t change the fact that it was you, Calvin, who first made me a mother. I will always be grateful for that.
Happy 33 months in heaven, my precious son. I love you so much. I miss you.
Love and kisses to you and your sissies,