I'm trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that's why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that Continue Reading »
Happy Fathers Day, Louie
And Happy Fathers Day to all the other daddies out there, too: to daddies with children in their arms, to daddies with children in their hearts, and to daddies who are deeply missed. Continue Reading »
O is for Other (This loss made me an alien)
I have never felt more alone as I did after I lost my first child. Even among people whom I loved, whom I trusted, who knew me, I felt awkward, strange, disoriented. I would often find myself sitting Continue Reading »
The 5th Belongs to Calvin – Right Where I Am: 822 Days
822 days = 19,728 hours = 27 months = 1,183,680 minutes = 2.25 years = 71,020,800 seconds. That's how long I've been without my son. That's how long it's been since I delivered Calvin into this world Continue Reading »
N is for their Names (One way of knowing)
A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it's a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and Continue Reading »
Something for Calvin and something for Charlie
Something for Calvin Three years ago, I sewed this cap and blanket from a pillow case. It was the pillow case Louie used when we were in the hospital to deliver Calvin. I remember sitting in my Continue Reading »
The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Calvin Loves Kimora (updates below)
This month's 5th is dedicated to Calvin's cousin, Kimora Michaela, who was born two months after Calvin's first birthday. One year ago, I posted about Kimora and her family: first to ask for Continue Reading »
Happy Easter Calvin Phoenix, Rainbow Baby, and Gaelen Evangeline
It's still hard to believe that I haven't been able to celebrate Easter on earth with any of my children. We lost both Calvin and Gaelen during Lent and Rainbow just before Christmas. It's Calvin's Continue Reading »
