I'm trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that's why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that Continue Reading »
Happy Fathers Day, Louie
And Happy Fathers Day to all the other daddies out there, too: to daddies with children in their arms, to daddies with children in their hearts, and to daddies who are deeply missed. Continue Reading »
N is for their Names (One way of knowing)
A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it's a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and Continue Reading »
Happy Easter Calvin Phoenix, Rainbow Baby, and Gaelen Evangeline
It's still hard to believe that I haven't been able to celebrate Easter on earth with any of my children. We lost both Calvin and Gaelen during Lent and Rainbow just before Christmas. It's Calvin's Continue Reading »
G is for Goodness (Finding grace in this grief)
Losing a child is not a good thing. It is not a blessing. It is not something any baby-loss parent I know would ever wish on another person. However, goodness can and does come from it. When we are Continue Reading »
Three babies in heaven
Even as I write this, I am praying that the doctor is wrong, that the ultrasound is wrong, that my baby lives. I know that if it is His will, He can still breathe life into this tiny being I still Continue Reading »
the ugly cry
you know the kind. the kind that fills your entire body and wracks it with sobs. the kind that fills the silence of morning and mourning as primal, gutteral cries force their way through your gasps Continue Reading »
The 5th Belongs to Calvin: Where I found my Christmas spirit
Last year, for our first Christmas without our babies, Louie and I went away. We spend it in Las Vegas as an attempt to avoid the triggers and give ourselves some respite. We were still reeling from Continue Reading »
