I have been struggling to write this post for a while now. I've been writing it over and over in my notebook, then drawing big X's over the words, because I just couldn't get it to feel right. There Continue Reading »
Happy Birthday, Mama
On Saturday, Louie and I went to visit my grandmother at the cemetery. It was her birthday. We brought Calvin. I thought about her rocking him in her arms and singing to him. I emptied and rinsed Continue Reading »
What Makes You Grateful?
Especially in the early days of grieving, it's difficult to find things for which to be grateful. That's why any statement that begins with At least... can induce fits of rage, tears, and cursing (and Continue Reading »
P is for Powerless (A difficult truth)
I'm trying to let go of this guilt that I carry, to let go of this heaviness in my chest that tells me, You failed your babies and that's why they died. But letting go of it means also accepting that Continue Reading »
Happy Fathers Day, Louie
And Happy Fathers Day to all the other daddies out there, too: to daddies with children in their arms, to daddies with children in their hearts, and to daddies who are deeply missed. Continue Reading »
The 5th Belongs to Calvin – Right Where I Am: 822 Days
822 days = 19,728 hours = 27 months = 1,183,680 minutes = 2.25 years = 71,020,800 seconds. That's how long I've been without my son. That's how long it's been since I delivered Calvin into this world Continue Reading »
N is for their Names (One way of knowing)
A names provides a way for people to identify you, to address and make contact with you; it's a way someone brings you into their world, into a moment through an invocation of sound, of breath and Continue Reading »
M is for Mother (Do I count?)
One of my husband's aunts came to visit us in the hospital after Calvin was born. I was in pain still, and I had difficulty getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. She made a comment to my Continue Reading »
